Fun With Boomer
Barbie
by Roz Warren
If you’re
a girl and you’re a Boomer, one thing is
certain -- you grew up playing with Barbies.
Whether you
lived in a mansion or in a trailer, you
spent hours as a little girl playing with
America’s favorite foot tall plastic fashion
plate. You dressed her up in stylish clothing (Remember
“Silken Flame?”) complete with tiny
matching shoes that were always falling off and
getting chewed up by the dog. You sent her off on
dates with Ken. You staged pajama-clad heart-to-hearts
with Barbie’s best pal Midge.
Barbie play
was designed to prepare you for the wonderful
world of romance and dating. And that future was
always wholesome and bright. (There was no
Unplanned Pregnancy Barbie or High School Dropout
Barbie.)
Of course, the
edgier kids could always improvise. I know one
girl who, after seeing the movie “Gypsy,“
had her Barbies perform strip teases for her Kens.
(Okay, so it
was me.)
And I know of
at least one future lesbian whose Barbie enjoyed
marathon make-out sessions with Midge.
Barbie has
been updated and modernized countless times since
she first came on the scene in 1959. (Although
her shoes still fall off and the dog still chews
them up.) These days Barbie doesn’t just don
cool outfits and go out on dates. She has a
career!
Teacher Barbie!
Pop Star Barbie! Airline Pilot Barbie! Brain
Surgeon Barbie! Rabbi Barbie! Porn Star
Barbie! (Okay, I made that last one up.)
But one thing
about Barbie never changes. Her age. While
the little girls who once played with her have
grown and matured, Barbie hasn’t aged a day.
Now that we
Boomers are middle-aged, we’ve discovered
that it’s time to play Barbie again, this
time with our granddaughters.
This gives me
idea.
I think we
need a new kind of Barbie. A Barbie who, like us,
HAS grown up. When we get down on the floor to
play with our grandkids, instead of a fresh-faced
know-nothing who is just starting out, why not
introduce the kids to a Barbie that reflects both
our lives and their future?
Middle-aged
Boomer Barbie!
What better
way to signal to our granddaughters that
there’s more to life than what outfit
you’ve got on? And that while teenage dating
is great, so is being a mature woman with a rich,
full life?
This new line
of AARP-aged Barbies could include:
Happily
Married Barbie
Now that the kids are grown, Silver Fox Barbie
and Slightly Balding Ken can re-focus on
each other. Includes a Dream House with a paid-off
mortgage, fat 401(k)s and matching Medicare cards.
Happily
Divorced Barbie
After Barbie catches Ken and Midge making whoopee
in the Dream house mud room, help her kick him to
the curb and jump back into the dating pool.
Assist Barbie in crafting her Match.com profile,
then dress her in tiny Eileen Fisher outfits and
sent her out on exciting dates!
Cougar
Barbie
She may be in her 50s, but she loves those
younger dudes. (For her date, just borrow
Ken from your regular Barbie. She won’t mind
-- he’ll come back to her a much better
lover.)
Never
Married Barbie
Includes a Xanax prescription, a tiny plastic
vibrator, 3 cats, a library card and a tenured
position at an Ivy League University.
Billionaire
Barbie
Comes with 4 mansions, 3 ex-husbands, a
private jet, a personal trainer, an unscrupulous
investment advisor and an off-shore bank account.
Out and
Proud Barbie
Help Barbie and Midge shoot their “It Gets
Better Project” video! Includes a rainbow
flag, a Massachusetts marriage license, matching
white Tuxes and a Provincetown time-share with a
signed Alison Bechdel original in the foyer.
Every Boomer
Barbie is slightly shorter and plumper than
original Barbie, and comes with at least one
ailment (bad knees, a bad back, cataracts, etc. )
to kvetch about with the other Boomer Barbies. (The
deluxe model has genuine hot flashes!) And all of
them talk, saying things like “Where
did I put my glasses?” “Is it hot in
here? “Can you repeat that?“ And
“At least I have my health!”
The best
Boomer Barbie of all, of course, will be Grandma
Barbie.
What better
way to enjoy playing with your beloved
granddaughter than for the two of you to help
Grandma Barbie play with her beloved
granddaughter?
Grandma Barbie
reads books, sings songs, plays pretend, makes
cool snacks and gives great hugs. If you’re
lucky enough to be her granddaughter, you know
there’s nobody Grandma Barbie loves more
than you. And shouldn’t a cool grandma who
loves you to bits be just as much fun for a
little girl to play with as a vapid teenager who
gets dressed up and goes out on dates?
Not only that,
but Grandma Barbie’s stylish yet sensible
shoes will never fall off and get chewed up by
the dog.
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