Fifty Arguments
To Have With Your Husband Before You Die
by Roz Warren
and Janet Golden
(this story
first appeared in The
Funny Times)
Do you and
your hubby have the same old arguments over and
over? Are you starting to think there might be
exciting new arguments you could be having
instead? We’re here to help, with a list of
50 arguments to have with your husband before you
die. They’ve all been tested on actual
couples, with results ranging from weeks of icy
silence to incredible “make-up sex.”
Not to mention many productive hours of couples
therapy. Take them for a spin and see how much
conflict your marriage can withstand!
Accidentally
making decaf in the morning IS grounds for
divorce.
Just because I
have no sense of direction doesn’t mean
I’m always wrong about how to get there.
Your
grandfather’s middle name is a stupid name
for a baby.
“Thou
shalt not pay for parking” is not a
commandment.
Having kids
WAS your idea; you didn’t wear a condom.
It’s not
amazing. When you mix whites and colors, you get
pink underwear.
You don’t
need a cell phone that plays 3-D movies and mixes
drinks.
A Phillies T
shirt is not appropriate garb for a wedding
reception, even if you have to miss the game to
attend.
If the family
car is going to be a rolling lunchbox, could you
at least bring chips and pickles?
Whole wheat
pasta is NOT gerbil food.
Hot flashes:
helping America save energy and so what if it
wakes you up?
Loading the
dishwasher: yes, there’s a right way and a
wrong way to do it. My way is right.
Fitzgerald was
a great writer. Hemingway was a putz.
The television
anchor can’t hear you. Stop yelling at him.
The other
drivers can’t hear you. Stop cursing at them.
The coach
can’t hear you. Stop threatening him.
If your mother
rearranges our living room furniture one more
time I’m going to shoot her, stuff her and
put her on the wall.
No, the Doobie
Brothers records are definitely YOURS.
We DON’T
need a larger television. A gigantic screen is
not going to stop the Eagles from losing.
There’s
no such thing as too many cats.
Beer is not a
food group.
Dirty socks do
NOT enhance a room’s feng shui.
We could buy a
Ferari for what we paid having you do the taxes
instead of hiring an accountant.
Any trip that
includes your folks is not a vacation.
Most
scientists agree that running a vacuum cleaner
does not deplete testosterone levels.
It’s your
turn to get up when the baby cries. I don’t
care if you can’t produce any milk for her.
Improvise.
Why pay for a
gym membership when you can get plenty of
exercise mowing the lawn?
Touch the
thermostat and die.
I swear the
litter box was clean when I left.
The dog
doesn’t want me to walk him in the rain. The
dog wants you to walk him in the rain.
Any outfit I
look fabulous in is a bargain. End of story.
When the smoke
alarm battery gives a death bleep in the night it
is time for you to get up and fix it.
I correct your
grammar because I love you.
I kick you
when you start to snore because I adore you.
I won’t
let you leave the house wearing that hideous
shirt because I’m crazy about you.
It isn’t
good for the children to hear us argue. Unless
I’m winning.
I don’t
care how you feel about free parking. When
I’m in labor you are going into the pay lot.
You don’t
have to bring your disco outfit down from the
attic for old time’s sake -- you just have
to answer the door and give out the Halloween
candy.
“Does
this dress make my butt look big?” is a
question with only one correct answer. And we
both know what it is.
I don’t
take too long in the bathroom. You’re just
too lazy to go out back behind the tree.
Sexy underwear
is not a present for me. It’s a present for
you. You still owe me a present. (And I
don’t mean the family jewels.)
Playing the
lottery is not a retirement plan.
As far as
I’m concerned, leaving the toilet seat up is
your way of saying “We’ve been having
WAY too much sex lately.”
Musicals are
too an art form.
It’s only
a game. They’re not losers. They’re
millionaires. Stop crying.
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