FAO 'Gnome Man'
by Rebecca L. Brown
Dear Neighbour,
Recently, I
have noticed that your garden has become very
full of gnomes. I was willing to overlook the
occasional one or two (indeed, I myself am
partial to the little colourful fellows if used
in moderation) but surely now the situation has
become excessive. This morning, I have counted at
least six of the gaudy little figures. One was
positioned in such a way that he was fishing in
your ornamental pond (flagrantly disregarding the
’no fishing’ sign which would have been
clearly visible to him - will the madness never
cease?), another appeared to be frozen in what I
can only describe as ’raucous laughter’.
This display of wanton and lawless pleasure-seeking
is entirely inappropriate for our respectable
neighbourhood and I felt obliged to take some
kind of action.
People have
begun to travel from miles around to take photos
of your gnomes; just yesterday, a small group of
teenagers from as far as four miles away were
squatting against my wall taking pictures on
their mobile telephones. They quite ruined my
herb garden with all of their trampling. I am
concerned that if this continues, I will soon
have the equivalent of the Glastonbury festival
churning up my flowerbeds and wantonly knocking
over my own tasteful figurines.
Surely you can
understand that the situation is completely out
of hand. Just the other day, I overheard a
gentleman refer to you as the ‘Gnome
Man’!
I attempted to
talk to your wife regarding the situation but she
seemed to believe that this was a joking matter.
Indeed, I feel that she did not take my concern
to heart at all! What next I ask; will your
family be sporting gaudy, pointed hats and cotton
wool beards?
If the
situation does not improve, I will be left with
no choice but to report your indecent behaviour
to the police. I am sure that they, at least,
will be able to take appropriate action to
conclude this unfortunate situation.
I hope that
you will come to your senses soon.
Regards
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