Colonoscopy
Serenade
by Roz Warren
Retired cantor
Janice Woltag Cohen just turned 50. We Boomers
all know what that means. It’s Colonoscopy
Time!
Colonoscopy!
That fabulous 50th birthday present you give to
yourself. Yes, it’s yucky. But
it’s absolutely necessary. (It could save
your life.)
As kids
growing up in the 50s, we joined the Micky Mouse
Club. Now that we’ve hit the half century
mark, it’s time for the Colonoscopy Club.
Looking at a
day filled with poop-inducing “cocktails,“
lots of clear fluids, maybe a little jello, and a
million trips to the bathroom, Cohen decided to
have a little fun. She needed some distraction.
Not to mention something that would get her in
the right mood for that very special procedure.
So she logged
onto Facebook and posted a question: “What
songs should I put on my colonoscopy mix tape?”
Cohen has 1.412
Facebook friends. Most of them are Boomers. And,
apparently, all of them are smart-asses. They
were on it in a flash:
The first
suggestion?
“Ring of
Fire by Johnny Cash. Duh.”
Following
which, her pals quickly came up with:
The Long and
Winding Road.
Baby Got Back.
Looking out my Back Door.
Back in the Saddle Again
Fixing a Hole. (The Beatles)
My Humps.
“Hilarious!!”
Cohen responded. But her Facebook friends
were just warming up. If Cohen needed some tunes
to help her through this Boomer rite of passage,
then that’s what she’d get. How about:
Like a Virgin
Little Brown Jug
Brown Sugar
Turn, Turn, Turn
Bad Moon Rising
Coal Miner’s Daughter.
Dirty Work (Steely Dan)
Then they
really started to get into it:
“Tush”
by ZZ Top!”
“How
about my fav Springsteen tune -- Thunder Road?”
“James
Taylor’s “There’s Something In The
Way She Moves.”
“John
Cougar Mellencamp’s “Hurts So Good.”
Paul
McCartney’s “Let Em In.”
“The
End” by the Doors.”
“Anything
by the Butt Hole Surfers!”
“Anything
by Hole!”
Even a
classical music fan got into the act, with:
“Beethoven’s Last Movement!”
One friend
posted: “Another man might suggest
Don’t Touch Me There by the Tubes. But I
have too much class to even suggest that.”
Several folks
suggested the Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers classic
“Cheek to Cheek.” One even linked to
the video.
Another linked
to a music video called “Colonoscopy:
It’s Not That Bad” from the Stop Colon
Cancer website. (The song is a hoot. Listen and
laugh.). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OlIrPV7LKg
And the titles
continued:
I Wanna Be
Sedated.
That Ain’t No Way to Go
Black Muddy River.
Highway to Hell
Friends in Low Places
Foggy Bottom Breakdown
The final
suggestion? “Classical Gas.” (Mason
Williams.)
Janice ended
up receiving 125 comments in just two hours. (One
pal pointed out that playing through all the
songs would last much longer than the procedure
itself, which usually runs around 30 minutes.)
Janice,
laughing, posted: “Thanks for making
Baby’s First Colonoscopy fun!“
With any luck,
she’ll drift off under anesthesia with
“Moon River” echoing in her ears, and
emerge, after a quick and painless procedure,
with a clean bill of health.
Happy 50th
birthday, Janice. And welcome to the Colonoscopy
Club!
(This
essay first appeared on www.womensvoicesforchange.org)
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