Brand Spanking
New: A Librarian Reviews A Sex Book
by Roz Warren
I got an
unexpected package in the mail the other day.
Because I’m a book reviewer, I somehow ended
up on the list of folks who get review copies
from Cleis Press, a publisher of feminist erotica.
Imagine my surprise when I opened my
package at the counter of the local post office,
(where all the clerks know me) to find a brand
new copy of “The Ultimate Guide to Kink:
BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge.”
As my post
office pals snickered at me, I opened a page at
random and read: “Missionary never felt so
good. He’s [boinking] you hard as you lie on
your back: you pound on his back with your fists.”
(Trust me to be so vanilla that I can open a kink
book to the only “missionary
position” page.) Further down the page I
read: “While spanking him, throw in a
few punches -- the thudding sensation is a
perfect counterbalance to the sting of the slap.”
Punching my
sweetie had never struck me (HA!) as a good time.
On the other hand, when he does something that
drives me nuts, waiting till we’re between
the sheets then popping him one might work better
than trying to reason with him. (That almost
never works.) If nothing else, smacking him in
the name of sex play could be a nicely passive-aggressive
way for me to work off a little steam.
Or not.
Glad to have
done my part to amuse the hard-working employees
at my post office, I took “The
Ultimate Guide to Kink” home. There was no
question in my mind that I could get an essay out
of this. What happens when a edgy sex manual
falls into the hands of a mild-mannered librarian?
Dipping into
the book again, I read: “Bondage has its own
risks. As I tell my rope bondage students
“Dead bottom, bad bondage. Bad top, no
biscuit!”
Wow. Rope
bondage students? Really? Where exactly is this
class offered? One hopes that it isn’t the
local middle school. But I was intrigued by the
book‘s tone -- it was knowing and funny, not
Penthouse Letters Column smarmy. Wouldn’t it
be interesting to learn what actually goes on in
all those wilder bedrooms? I’m a librarian.
I love to read. And I love sex. Why wouldn’t
I enjoy reading about sex?
“The
Ultimate Guide to Kink” is a collection of
essays, edited by sex educator and “feminist
pornographer” Tristan Taormino, and written
by experts on a variety of topics from “Kinky
Twisted Tantra” to “How to Train Your
Sex Slave.” The illustrations are
mostly of rope-tying techniques strikingly
similar to the ones in “The Boy Scout’s
Handbook.“ (Just what were those youngsters
being trained to do anyway?) The writing is clear
and informative enough to bring joy to my
librarian’s heart. And there’s an
eye-opener on every page. Even if you
don’t want to tie up your partner,
you’ll learn how to do it right and why it
appeals to the folks who play that game. Sure,
there were sections that I found icky, off-putting
or downright scary. I skipped them. It’s not
as if I was studying to pass the Kinkster SAT. As
with any good how-to book, you use what works for
you.
Here’s
something that did work for me:
“Dressing
up is FUN. Even mundane objects can be imbued
with a sexy vibe. I had a very intense sexual
encounter that was kicked up a notch when my
partner and I dared each other to keep our
glasses on during the entire f**k. You will not
know how difficult it can be to keep your specs
on while pounding the headboard until you’ve
tried it.”
Is this a
scene totally made for a librarian or what?
I’m still
vanilla at heart. But I’m glad I read this
book. You ought to read it too. It’s
fascinating. It’ll open your mind up.
Actually, unless you’re into this stuff
already, it will probably blow your mind a little.
Which isn’t a bad thing. Sure, you too will
probably find some of it just too weird or scary. Skip
those parts. On the other hand, if your partner
ever asks you to spank him (or her), instead of
freaking out, you’ll know enough to respond,
“Sure, honeybunch, I‘d be happy to help
you discover your “spanking sweet spot.“
Or not.
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