Bert And Ernie:
The Prenup
by Roz Warren
and Janet Golden
Now that
President Obama has endorsed gay marriage, it
will soon become legal everywhere in America,
including, of course, Sesame Street, which means
Bert and Ernie can finally tie the knot! Their
just-signed prenup was leaked to us by a Muppet
whose identity we’ve promised not to reveal,
in return for a batch of warm chocolate chip
cookies. We’ve learned that, should the
couple ever break up:
Ernie will
stay in the marital domicile on Sesame Street.
Bert gets the condo on Avenue Q.
Bert gets the
Streisand albums. The Scissors Sisters CDs go to
Ernie.
The parties
will share joint custody of the rubber ducky. The
rubber ducky will go with Ernie on Thanksgiving
and Christmas, and with Bert on Hanukah and
Kwanzaa.
Bert gets to
keep the diamond-encrusted unibrow waxing kit
given to him by Ernie as an engagement gift.
All vertically
striped shirts acquired during the course of the
marriage go to Bert. All horizontally striped
shirts go to Ernie.
Bert promises
not to mention Ernie’s illegitimate child
Elmo during interviews on “The View.”
Ernie will not interfere should Bert desire to
join the cast of “The Real Househusbands of
Sesame Street.”
Custody of the
letters A, Q, H and W go to Bert. Custody of the
numbers 2, 3, 7 and 9 go to Ernie.
Ernie will
refrain from mentioning Bert’s therapy for
OCD in connection with his out-of-control
paperclip and bottle cap collecting, as well as
his obsession with the letter W. Ernie will no
longer be responsible for debts incurred by Bert
in his pursuit of the perfect paperclip for his
collection.
Song royalties,
as well as the extensive collection of Muppet
Porn, will be divided equally. (Except for
“Fifty Shades of Felt,” which goes to
Ernie’s mom.)
Sales of
Muppet sex tapes to tabloids are strictly
forbidden.
The parties
will attend Kermit and Miss Piggy’s Fourth
of July Barbecue on alternate years.
Both parties
promise to treat each other with courtesy and
respect, and, despite any relationship troubles
they may have experienced there, to continue to
tell others how to get to Sesame Street.
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