A Tale Of Three
Titties
by Roz Warren
Now that I’ve
let my New York Times subscription lapse, I get
most of my news online. When I logged
on this morning, this headline caught my eye:
“Woman
Gets Third Boob Implanted, Wants to Be “Unattractive
To Men.”
Apparently,
one Jasmine Tridevil, a massage therapist from
Tampa, Florida, was claiming to have just spent $20,000
to get a third breast implanted between the two
she already had.
Why? She was
fed up with dating, and did it so that guys would
find her unattractive.
The good news?
She had to contact 50 docs before she found a
surgeon willing to give her that extra boob. (Medical
ethics! Alive and well! Who knew?)
But she
ultimately did find a doc to do the deed.
Then she
covered up, went home and quietly lived happily
ever after? Not a chance! Instead, she publicized
what she’d done, complete with a photo of
herself in a low-cut top that all 3 boobs are
spilling out of.
Yeah, that’s
exactly how to become uninteresting to guys.
Flood the internet with revealing photos that are
all about your breasts!
As a mild-mannered
60-year old librarian I could have given Tridevil
some advice about getting men to ignore you. Stop
leading with your cleavage! Dress modestly.
Highlight your mind, not your body. (You will
instantly become invisible to all but the best
kind of guy.)
My favorite
part of stories like this? The reader comments:
She thinks she
has a hard time finding bras that fit now? Just
wait!
Too bad she
didn’t shop for a brain implant.
Someone should
have told her that less is more.
She did this
to become unattractive to men? She obviously
knows very little about men.
She’d
rather be attractive to freaks?
If tits were
brains she’d be Einstein. But they’re
not.
Why not put
one on your nose? That would be novel.
If God had
wanted women to have three breasts, he would have
made men with three hands.
Um, yeah. What?
No.
She wants to
be unattractive? Mission accomplished!
Well you’ve
had your 5 minutes of fame. Now what, hon?
So glad you
asked, commenter. Tridevil revealed in a
radio interview that her “biggest dream”
is to have an MTV reality show.
Is her family
on board? “My mom won’t talk to me,“
she says. “She won’t let my sister talk
to me. My dad…. is kind of ashamed of me...“
Terrific! A
freaked out family who doesn’t talk to you
plays much better on reality TV than a sane,
supportive and loving one.
I, of course,
was busy brainstorming a show this dimwit could
star in. “Who Wants To Be In Therapy?”
Start with the
three-breasted lady. Add a couple of Kardashians,
and those NFL players who keep getting away with
beating their loved ones. Include a surgeon who’ll
do anything for a buck. Top it off with a few
rabidly-anti- gay politicians caught cruising
local bathrooms for gay sex. Then throw in a
top notch psychotherapist. I might even watch
that.
Did the whole
thing turn out to be a big fat hoax? Of course it
did!
Snopes, the
myth-busting website got on the case and soon
revealed that “Jasmine Tridevil”
appeared to be a domain name owned by one Alisha
Jasmine Hessler, a Florida massage therapist
whose website proclaimed her to be a “Provider
of Internet Hoaxes since 2014.” Not only
that, but Hessler recently filed a stolen baggage
claim at Tampa International Airport that listed
a “3 breast prosthesis” among the items
lost.” (Nor, when questioned, could she
produce a doctor to back up her story.)
Busted!
Tridevil, it
seems, isn’t a 3-breasted lady after all --
only a two-breasted liar who wants her own TV
show.
The sad thing
is that she’ll probably get it.
As for me? I’m
re-subscribing to the Times.
this
humor piece first appeared at www.womensvoicesforchange.org
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