Ask Gabby Peter-Sploot,
Sex Expert
by Roz Warren
DEAR
GABBY: I figured I needed to take this
to a sex expert like you. My wife wants me to
boink her with a banana, then bake it into a
banana crème pie and throw it at her. Is this
unusual?
DEAR BANANA BOY: Not at all.
“Fruit play” is an integral part of the
sex life of most happy couples.
DEAR
GABBY: I’m happily married, yet I
fantasize about Brad Pitt during sex. What’s
wrong with me?
DEAR SOMETHING: Not to worry
— EVERYONE fantasizes about Brad Pitt during
sex. If you fantasized about Glen Beck, I’d
be concerned.
DEAR
GABBY: During sex my boyfriend wants me
to cry “Baste my booty with your hot love
spatula!“ I want to please him, but whenever
I utter this phrase I crack up, and the mood is
ruined. What can I do?
DEAR BOOTY: Men often want their
partners to say ridiculous things during sex.
It’s best to nip this kind of behavior in
the bud with a simple “Don’t be daft.”
DEAR
GABBY: I’m a 28 year old gay man.
My boyfriend is a bassoonist who calls his penis
“Brahms.” My last boyfriend, a
librarian, called his cock “Dewey.” My
first lover, an English professor, called his
penis “Dickens.“ I’ve never
nicknamed my cock! Is there something wrong with
me?
DEAR ABNORMAL: I should
certainly think so! Better slap a nickname on
your schlong right away. Might I suggest:
“Sigmund Freud” “Mr. Grumpy”
“Beowulf” or “Mitt Romney?”
DEAR
GABBY: I’m a straight menopausal
woman who can only achieve orgasm with
folksingers. I’ve tried lawyers, firemen and
poets but no dice. Is something wrong with me?
DEAR SINGER LOVER: Not at all.
Most menopausal women need at least one
folksinger to achieve orgasm. A lucky few can
make do with a jazz trumpeter, but you, alas,
aren’t one of them. On your first date with
a banker, try taking him to a folk club on
“open mike” night, get him wasted, then
push him onstage and promise him a night of wild
passion if he sings “Blowing in the Wind.”
It’s so crazy it just might work.
DEAR
GABBY: I’m a bad boy. I need to be
soundly spanked like the aberrant love monkey I
know myself to be. What should I do?
DEAR MONKEY: Run for a seat in
the US Senate. Alas, you’ll find plenty of
company there.
|
