A Pit To Hiss In
by Tony R. Lindsay
My wife will
tell you that any snake, no matter the size or
stripe, is a shoulderless fiend waiting for a
chance to ambush human prey. Serpents without
venom kill by the cruelest method of all--sheer
terror.
What men
like you dont understand is that most fatal
heart attacks occurring outdoors are caused by
slimy snakes.
But dear,
snakes arent slimy.
They are
too! The only good snake is one that has been
dead for a month, and I wouldnt touch it
with a stick.
Honey,
why dont snakes have a right to exist?
Why
dont birds fly backwards? Because they
dont--thats why.
But,
baby, Im not sure youre being
reasonable.
My
brother has more sense that you. He says that
snakes can hear him coming, and they make his
butt want to pick grass.
Yeah,
hes a clever guy. No doubt about it. By the
way, snakes dont have ears. They dont
actually hear.
R-r-right.
And frogs dont actually jump.
A wise man
would get out of this conversation, but I press
on. All snakes are not evil. We owe
everything, even the procreation of humans, to a
venturesome snake.
How can
you say such a thing?
Hear me
out, dear. In the beginning, Adam and Eve ran
around in a lush garden called Eden. The lovely
Eve was bare-butt naked, but Adam paid her no
attention. A humble snake lived in Eden--a garden
snake. The poor snake didnt have a pit to
hiss in. But, he was big on sin. After an apple-tasting
episode, Adam began to notice Eve. A wiggle here
and a jiggle there awoke a localized stirring of
Adams anatomy. Ever since, weve had
sin and sex, and we owe it all to that noble
snake.
I pause for
effect, and then add, Snakes are just
another one of Gods creatures.
Her eyes
narrow; she purses her lips. Thats
just what they want you to think.
Who?
Snakes!
For heavens sake.
Oh,
silly me.
Her voice
moves up an octave. Snakes are not the
creation of God or nature.
But
sweetie, are you sure about that?
Absolutely.
Honey, I
dont understand.
And
Im not surprised.
Her eyes
squint to mere slits. The slithering demons
fled from the nether regions of the underworld to
stalk helpless women and dull, mindless men.
Snakes were spawned by Satan.
Pushing my
luck, I ask, Where would we be without that
original snake? Without sex we would not have had
all the generations that followed Adam and Eve.
I risk a little pinch. And you and I would
not have those tender moments that we enjoy.
Thats
it! You dont understand a darn thing about
snakes and not much about anything else. Im
not speaking to you. And you know what I mean.
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