A Capital Time
For Tweeting, Plus When To Shoot A Moose
by Roz Warren
“Buy
Shoes On Wednesday and Tweet at 4:00” is a
new advice book which tells the reader the best
possible time to get everything done, from
flossing ones teeth to visiting Zanzibar. As a
public service, I’ve used the information
provided in that book to create an ideal day:
First thing in
the morning, start a daily ritual that will
become a habit (you‘re more likely to stick
with it) go to the car wash (it’s less
crowded and the machinery is cleaner) and ride
your horse (he’ll have more energy at that
hour and won’t get overheated.)
Between six
and eight, pick strawberries (That’s the
time of day the plants are strongest) and hunt (More
animals are out at that hour, so you’re more
likely to kill something.)
At seven, take
a break to update your Facebook page. (Your
friends are logging on as they wake up and are
more likely to read it.)
(“Just
shot a moose! About to breakfast on tasty moose
hash and fresh strawberries.“)
Then shave (if
you cut yourself, you’ll lose less blood)
and hold a garage sale (you’ll get more
customers.)
If you live in
a high crime neighborhood, make sure to get to
the ATM before nine. (You’re less likely to
be mugged.)
As the morning
wears on, you can go bowling (it’s cheaper),
exercise for weight loss (you‘ll burn more
calories) get a massage (your massage therapist
will have more energy) and get a colonoscopy (the
doc is more likely to find abnormal growths if
they do exist).
At eleven,
stop to buy a diamond. (That’s when sales
staff in jewelry stores are most fresh and
focused and likely to provide good service.)
And in the
late morning -- sing! (Your vocal cords will be
nicely warmed up.)
Maybe you can
make up a song about your colonoscopy.
Get your nails
done in the afternoon. (They’ll have plenty
of time to dry, and the salon will be less
crowded.)
Then, at three,
interview for a job. (You’ll be most likely
to be remembered by your not-yet-exhausted
interviewer.)
In the late
afternoon, it’s best to knit. (Your hand eye
coordination is at its peak).
But make sure
you don’t knit DURING the job interview.
At four,
vacuum your house (your mood and energy will both
be up) and mow the lawn (the grass is dry and
easier to cut.). Then post a tweet. (“Just
mowed the lawn and vacuumed my house!”)
At five, post
on Facebook. Your friends will read it as they
check in before leaving work.
(“Got the
job! Snacked on moose leftovers. And I’m
almost done with this lovely hand-knitted afghan
for my horse.”)
In the evening,
take your dog for a run (you’re more relaxed
and he’s less likely to get overheated.)
Then brush his teeth. (After the run, he’ll
be more compliant.) Then purchase a gerbil.
(They’re nocturnal, so gerbil shopping in
the evening gives you a better idea of what
they’re like than during the day, when
they’re sleepy and sluggish.)
At seven,
teach someone to drive on the highway (There’s
less traffic, so it’s safer.)
At eight, read
to your child. (Perhaps a book about how to take
care of a new gerbil. Or a fairy tale about a
horse and a gerbil who become best pals.)
At ten, do the
laundry (power is cheaper off peak)
If you
don’t want to do the laundry, you’ve
got a great excuse. Ten is also the best time to
go to bed. (It’s good for your health to
sleep from 10 to 6.)
But, before
you drift off to dreamland, don’t forget to
floss. (You’re less likely to rush, and the
inside of your mouth will be clean while you
sleep.)
Sweet dreams!
Maybe you’ll dream about visiting Zanzibar.
(If so, keep in mind that the best month for that
is July.)
(This
review first appeared on www.womensvoicesforchange.org)
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