Unhand That
Monocle
by Alexei Russell
"Pardon
me," said Lord Eldrick, "but have you
seen my monocle? I seem to have dropped it
somewhere about..."
"Oh, shut
it, you posh twit!" said the passerby.
Lord Eldrick
was in a quandary, for he had lost his golden
monocle. It was not that he needed it to see--it
had been a gift from the Baroness Sheppley, and
he had worn it especially for the occasion. He
was overdue at Sheppley Hall by several minutes
already.
"Lord
Eldrick is late!" they were surely
whispering.
All because of
a sneeze. He had been well on his way to Sheppley
Hall, when a sneeze sent his monocle flying out
the limousine window--now it appeared to have
vanished into thin air.
The streets
were dark and seedy. He was unaccustomed to such
squalor. Shady, disreputable types were
everywhere.
"My God,"
he thought, "if they find my monocle, who is
to say what barbaric treatment they will subject
it to! They're no better than savage beasts!"
A waifish
little girl ran through his peripheral vision,
accompanied by a glint of gold. His suspicions
were immediately aroused.
"You
there!" said Eldrick, "Unhand that
monocle!"
The little
girl ran down the lane and underneath a bridge,
with Eldrick fast on her heels. He grabbed her
and she started to scream. The golden object flew
from her hands and slid over the cobblestones.
Under the seamy yellow light of a street lamp, a
crowd of burly men were gathered. They looked
over at Eldrick with a variety of hard, sinister
glares.
"Oh,"
said Eldrick, "pardon me. But I'm afraid
that young lady may have appropriated one of my
possessions..."
A portly man
in a cheap suit bent down and picked up the
golden item.
"Well,
your lordship, you stumbled on our little strong
man tournament! We hold it every now and again,
under this bridge! It looks like your little girl
here found a splendid little prize for whoever
wins our next fight. What's this? Looks like
solid gold, if I'm not mistaken!"
The crowd
cheered, and Eldrick made his way over to their
portly ringleader. He waved his cane menacingly.
"Now
listen, my good man!" said Eldrick, "That
is an item of incalculable social benefit to me,
and I'll not part with it!"
"Well!"
said the portly fellow, "We are a strong man
club, sir! If you win a fight, you'll win this
prize!"
The crowd
formed a circle around Eldrick, and he rolled up
his sleeves, gritting his teeth.
"As you
wish, gentlemen!" said Eldrick, "Who is
first?"
~*~*~
The little
girl sat with her mother in their humble kitchen,
eating breakfast. Her mother read the paper.
"Oh!"
said her mother, "Listen to this! Lord
Eldrick was arrested for assault! And for
participating in an illegal fight club! Who would
have thought! And him in the house of lords!"
The little
girl leaned over to see the article.
"That
photo!" said the girl, "I know him! He's
the man who chased me last night and stole my
gold bracelet!"
"Oh, how
horrible!" said her mother, "I tell you,
you can't trust the aristocracy! They're no
better than savages beasts!"
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