The Woodwork
Ethic
by Cedric
Botfrob
The lathe
looked on hungrily as the Woodwork lesson
progressed.
“Huskinson,
is it?” said Mr Limited. The boy nodded. “Perhaps
you’d care to demonstrate how we join two
pieces of wood together."
Huskinson
hated woodwork. There were too many weapons. And
if the tools weren’t picking on you, the
teacher usually was. Resigned to his fate, he
picked up the hammer.
“No, no,
no!” called Mr Limited. “How many
times do I have to tell you? Each year, there are
thousands of accidents caused by amateur weekend
DIYers. Stay safe: always call the
professionals.”
Huskinson took
out his mobile and rang for a joiner.
“Much
better,” said Mr Limited.
“He says
he’ll be here next week,” said
Huskinson.
“Excellent
work,” said the teacher. “We’ll
have to make sure we’re in.”
~*~*~*~*~*~
Huskinson
watched as the joiner nailed the two pieces of
wood together, in accordance with Health and
Safety law and industry standards. Mr
Limited even gave him a gold star for making him
a cup of tea.
“Thirty
quid, mate,” said the joiner when he’d
finished. Then he looked around conspiratorially.
“Tell you what - call it twenty for cash.”
Huskinson paid
up. Other schools had a woodwork budget to pay
the professionals with, but Saint Street
Comprehensive felt that woodwork lessons were
designed to create self-reliance in pupils.
“Good
work,” said Mr Limited, impressed with how
his students were coming on. “Next week
we’ll learn how to fix guttering." He
had an idea. "I know! I've got
some at home that needs fixing! We'll get
Huskinson to practise on that!"
“Sir,”
said Huskinson. Blood was dripping from his
head.
“Oh,
Huskinson,” said Mr Limited. “I thought
I told you not to touch the hammer?”
“I
didn’t sir.”
“Then how
did you manage to nail your hand to your head?”
“I
sneezed.”
Huskinson was
led to the school ambulance, while the school
solicitor touted for business, and the
solicitor’s own solicitor threatened legal
action for the mental distress of witnessing the
accident. Meanwhile, back in the workshop, the
lathe licked its lips. Its time would come.
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