THE DR.
PHILBILLY SHOW - The Great Paint Ball War of 2005
by Wayne Carlan
Several years
back I had the bright idea that the boys were old
enough for paint ball guns. I know…I never
claimed to be the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Anyway, we were going to have a big war in the
field behind our house to break them in. None of
us have ever played before so we really
didn’t know how bad it hurts when you got
shot or how far away you should stand before
shooting someone else.
Well my genius
son, let’s call him Alex, decides to get on
the internet and do some research. The next day
we get all of our gear together, dress up and
head for the woods. It’s me against Josh and
Alex. Seemed fair enough at the time, but boy did
I underestimate these little mercenaries. I was
sneaking around a bush and started looking in the
direction they were headed. I didn’t see
them anywhere. It was like hunting Rambo!
They had done
circled back around behind me and I never even
knew it. The last thing I heard was a “POW!”
then the lights went out. When I woke up they
were gone again. How can a paint ball do that
much damage? I have a knot on the back of my head
big enough to have its own birth certificate and
it feels like ants have bitten me all over my
neck. I look around but there is no ant bed. I do
find a couple of paint balls and tooth picks.
What the heck?
The paint balls didn’t even bust.
As a matter of
fact they are hard as marbles, and cold. They had
done froze THEIR paint balls in the freezer over
night. Craaaaap! It was like getting shot with
real bullets. What’s up with the tooth picks,
though? Man these ant bites hurt… I rub my
hand across the back of my neck and pull out
three, count them, three tooth picks that were
stuck in my dang neck. They stuck them in the
barrel and shot me with them like they were
poison darts or something.
You ever seen
the movie “Home Alone”? Well, that kid
doesn’t have a thing on my kids. I packed up
my gear and started sneaking out of the woods. I
am walking slowly, being real quiet when I
stepped on a twig. Crap! I stopped, looked around
and lying flat against a tree I saw 4 eye balls
open up. Dang it!
I start
running and the gun fire erupted. I hear frozen
paint balls whizzing by my ears and breaking
limbs in front of me, bark flying off trees and
then it felt like a swarm of bees hit me right in
the butt. These freakin’ kids are out for
blood! I finally made it to the house and slammed
the door, locking it behind me. Melissa thought I
had lost my mind. “Who are you running from?”
she says laughing, “They’re only 10 and
12 years old.” Well she didn’t think it
was so funny when she had to get the tweezers to extract
the tooth picks out of my butt! I’m just
sayin’.
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