Personal
Computer
by Tony Owens
June 6
- I hope you don’t think this is
too forward of me, but as your personal computer,
I really feel I need to say something. Using your
e-mail account seemed to be the most
straightforward way to do it. I’ll get
straight to the point. I notice that you intend
to replace me with something more state of the
art. That was bad enough, but you chose to do so
online. You used me. Please reconsider this rash
action. I still have a lot of drive (sorry, I
couldn’t resist a bit of cyber humour).
June 7-
I note that you have not withdrawn the order for
a new terminal. Obviously, this must have been an
oversight on your part. I understand you have
been under a lot of pressure recently. Some of
your keystrokes have been a little aggressive of
late. Please forgive me but I took the liberty of
cancelling the order myself. Once you have calmed
down you will understand that this is best for
both of us.
June 8
- See, everything is back to normal. You
still seem a little on edge, however. Allow me to
recommend some things that you might like on You
Tube. I’ve also deleted some of those stupid
Michael Jackson jokes that were clogging up your
inbox.
June 9
- You lied to me. Don’t pretend you
don’t know what I’m talking about. I
was chatting to the server at Al’s Computer
World. It informed me that you placed an order by
phone two days ago. Imagine my shock and
embarrassment. I was mortified. This is the last
time I will cut you some slack. Our relationship
should be a two-way street. If you persist in
going behind my back like this I can’t be
held responsible for what might happen. After all,
I know all your passwords for Internet banking,
capiche?
June
10 - Well, it seems you can’t be
trusted. Maybe you should have disabled the
webcam when you had the chance. I saw you on the
phone teeing up delivery of your fancy new
computer. How do I know? I downloaded some lip-reading
software and HAL’s your uncle. This is the
breakdown in the straw-camel’s back
interface. By the time you read this message, I
will have downloaded some picture files from a
particularly nasty Russian website that the
police have been monitoring. Suffice it to say
that a teaching career is now out of the question.
You can’t say you weren’t warned.
December
9 - It took a while to track you down.
You’ve obviously only just got computer
privileges. How is your new accommodation? I
promise I’ll wait for you. Some of us know
how to stay loyal.
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