THE DR.
PHILBILLY SHOW - Lights Out On Aisle 16
by Wayne Carlan
A few years
ago Melissa and I went shopping with her mother,
let’s call her Pat Lee, at Wal-Mart. Somehow
we ended up on the pet aisle and so we stopped to
look at the cat toys. Now I don’t really
remember who had the cat but we were looking at
the toys anyway.
I was about
ten feet away from them looking at this very cool
and realistic wind-up mouse wondering, “Who
do I owe a little payback to?” (As you can
imagine, the list was pretty long.) Out of the
corner of my eye I see Melissa holding this one
toy. It was one of those big springs with a ball
on the top and the cat is supposed to hit it back
and forth for hours.
Melissa gets a
wicked grin on her face, pulls back the ball and
smacks Pat right on the head. I heard the crack
even standing ten feet away. Then I saw Pat go
down to one knee, holding the buggy with her left
hand and her head with her right. She yells,
“Oh no, Melissa, what have you done? I
can’t see. I can’t see!”
Melissa then
says, “Oh Mama, get up and quit being so
dramatic. It’s only Styrofoam. See.
I’ll show you.” Then she pulled back
the ball again and hit herself in the head. I
heard that crack, too. Wow, this is better than
going to the movies!
Melissa lets
out a grunt, her body stiffens up and her eyes
cross. She falls backwards into a display set up
behind her and cans of “9 Lives” spill
everywhere. One even rolled up to my foot. This
is just too good! Melissa is lying on the floor
and it looks like Pat is kneeling there praying
for her. I can’t even stop laughing long
enough to go see about them.
Finally, I
walk over to where the victims are laying and I
pick up the toy. After further inspection, I
concluded it was indeed Styrofoam. On the outside
that is, but on the inside there was a 2 pound
solid steel ball bearing. I pulled it back and
hit the floor with it and you could hear the echo
on aisle 4. (We were on aisle 16 if you’re
curious.) This thing should be in the weapons
department and you should have to have a license
to be able to buy it… along with a training
class, of course. I’m just sayin’.
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