THE DR.
PHILBILLY SHOW - Leopard Thongs
by Wayne Carlan
Ok, a few
years ago me and a friend, let’s call him
Julian Robertson, went to Hollywood, CA. One day
we visited Venice Beach, just hanging out and
enjoying the sites when I see this big black
muscle man on roller skates wearing a leopard
print thong. Now, I’m from southern
Mississippi so I just got to take a picture of
this.
As I take the
picture he spots me and starts coming my way. I
look behind me but no one is there. He’s
walking toward me. So I casually turn around and
start to walk the other way. I take a left, he
takes a left. I take a right, he takes a right. I
speed up and he speeds up. I can’t shake
this freak!
Finally
I’m into an open run and he’s right on
my tail. He is bent over at the waist with his
arms swinging like an Olympic skater. Finally I
run out of breath and just give up. I turn to
face my demise like a man and set myself into the
karate kid position. He slams on his brakes right
beside me and says “Hey dude, you owe me a
dollar”.
“Huh? I
don’t owe you anything.”
“You took
a picture of me so you owe me a dollar.
That’s how I make my living.”
By now I’m
getting my wind back. I have a dollar but I’m
not giving it to him just out of principle and
home grown stupidity. It’s a free world; I
should be able to take a picture if I want. So I
finally said “Ok, you win.”
I reached for
my wallet and when the time was right I took off
again. It looks like we are filming a movie scene.
Everybody is just standing around watching this
freak run me down. I’m running in circles
basically and I’ve already run past Julian
three times. (I’m sure he would have helped
if he wasn’t so busy laughing.) I’m
about to pass out and this dude hasn’t even
broken a sweat yet. So I pull out a dollar from
my pocket and just throw it over my shoulder
behind me never breaking my stride. The man picks
up the dollar and skates his happy thong-splitting
butt back to his corner.
Julian walks
up to me and opens his mouth to say something but
I stop him in mid sentence. “Whatever Julian,
you just better not tell anyone about this…
and stop laughing! Daaang, I need a coke.”
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