Enquirer Seeks
Bailout
by David Martin
Reuters:
2nd December 2009: "Several days ago, the
National Enquirer tabloid said [Tiger] Woods had
a relationship with Rachel Uchitel, whom the
paper described as a 'New York City party girl'."
In a late
breaking development in the ongoing Tiger Woods
scandal, "The National Enquirer" has
asked for a federal bailout.
"We've
held off going hat in hand to the government as
long as we could," said Managing Editor
Frank Lee Prurient. "But we've kind of
hit the wall on this Tiger Woods thing."
Apparently The
Enquirer is not rolling in dough as many thought.
It seems that taking on the investigative duties
formerly performed by the mainstream media has
inflicted a heavy financial toll.
"I'm
proud that we broke the stories on people like
John Edwards, Jesse Jackson and Gary Hart,"
said Mr. Prurient. "But large scale
investigations like that cost money. People
don't generally offer up the truth for nothing,
you know."
The Tiger
Woods story appears to be the straw that broke
the tabloid's fiscal back. Although the
initial disclosures did not cause too much of a
burden on the paper, the escalating stream of
revelations has threatened its ongoing viability.
"Look,"
said Prurient. "We can handle two,
three, maybe even four or five mistresses coming
forward. But once we get past half a dozen
bimbo eruptions, it's a real strain on our bottom
line."
For each
mistress or alleged mistress that comes forward,
The Enquirer has to invest a great deal of time
and money. And given the magnitude of the
story, each Woods companion necessitates at least
her own reporter and photographer to track her
every move. Luckily for The Enquirer, the federal
government recently announced that not all of the
huge bank bailout fund will need to be used. That
leaves $200 billion or more available for public
works, job creation and support for other
industries in financial peril.
"I think
we qualify on all three counts," said
Prurient. "Of course a bailout would
save a lot of jobs and help a struggling
enterprise. But more importantly, it would
help preserve the last bastion of investigative
journalism in this country."
"All we
need is one or two hundred million dollars,"
said the managing editor. "That's a
drop in the bucket for the government's TARP
program but it would work miracles for us. Let's
face it; when you're trying to track down the
sexual partners of a billionaire like Tiger Woods,
you need all the cash you can get."
President
Obama has not commented yet on The Enquirer's
request but is reportedly cool to the idea. An
unidentified White House spokesperson has instead
suggested some of the bailout money be spent on
identifying women who have not slept with Tiger
Woods.
"In the
long run, we think it would be a wiser allocation
of government funds," said the anonymous
source. "After all, it's bound to cost
a lot less to find out who hasn't slept with Mr.
Woods than to find out who has."
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