Tidings of Great
Woe
by Walt
Giersbach
Friends, I
know it’s June and I’m late getting
back to everyone of you who’re wondering
where my Christmas cards are, but there’ve
been a few problems with the greeting. I had to
run it by my lawyer (you know how lawyers can get
if they feel neglected), and there were a few
other thoughts I’ll try to boil down before
it gets too late.
This was my
first shot at a greeting: PEACE ON EARTH,
GOODWILL TOWARD MEN
This sounded
like a safe, all-encompassing swinging message,
but I had to take a closer look at the semantics.
PEACE, for example; does it mean “be
quiet” or “shut up”? (You can
imagine how that’d go over with the
Conservatives, if they haven’t all gone
looking for asylum.) Then there’s that word
EARTH. My neighbor Eddie asked if it applies to
people in airplanes and to Ruthie who’s on a
Caribbean cruise. My lawyer also e-mailed me just
now with a point about GOOD WILL. He thinks
I’ll need a disclaimer from this
organization, or else add the Salvation Army.
Then, finally, there’s the word MEN. You
know what I’m trying to say, but will women
friends get all hissy and pouty and feel excluded?
And kids, I think I need something about minors
because they’re future voters and consumers.
I bounced the
message off my wife last night, and she asked if
this was a free offer. Obviously, it didn’t
scan with her. The Federal Trade Commission is
going to wake up under Obama, too, so maybe I
need a line saying “Offer ends June 30, 2009.”
In the interest of good grammar, she also
suggested I drop the comma and add the word AND.
In standing
off from this whole business of greeting cards, I
wonder if it might be better just to send off
subscriptions to Reader’s Digest. Anybody
know if they’re still in business? In the
meantime, I’d wish everyone a Happy New Year,
but I’ve been advised there’s a mess of
liability issues in HAPPY and NEW. You understand.
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