The Tie That
Binds
by Marvin Pinkis
A man is
abducted by a woman disguised as a Talmudic
scholar. Her intent is to induce him to reveal
his plans for a revolutionary twist for
“Jump Rope,” requiring only one end
being held. He is proceeding to the patent office
when the woman leaps out from behind a parking
meter and asks if he objects to being abducted.
He looks at his watch and says, “I have some
spare time.”
She takes him
to a seedy warehouse district and stops in front
of a ramshackle hovel.
“Is this
it?” he asks brusquely.
Equally
brusque, she sneers, “Inviting, isn’t
it?”
“Of
course,” he states, “Incidentally, does
this abduction come with refreshments?”
“Hey,
I’m no cheapskate. There’s a half bag
of M & M’s and almost a whole tin of
anchovies. Naturally, we split.”
Inside, he
submits to being tied up in a straight-back chair.
He declines gagging, not knowing where the gag
has last been used. The rope chafes his wrists.
When he complains to his captor, she’s
bemused and says, “That’s bound to
happen.”
The bon mot
does not go unnoticed and, despite the
situation’s menace, it stirs a tingly
sensation. Much later, he chuckles confirming he
got the pun. Very timely as the woman’s
patience for acknowledgment is wearing thin.
The insidious
torture includes watching taped Lawrence Welk
shows and hearing motivational cassettes for
hours on end, recited in a soporific monotone.
Every time he starts to nod off, cattle prod in
hand, she relates ethnic jokes concerning Amazon
tribes yet to be discovered.
He can stand
only so much. When she constantly reminds him of
his poor taste in socks, he blurts out,
“Stop it, stop it, I tell you. I’ll
take to heart everything the television
evangelists preach and I’ll buy the entire
video series..”
“You’re
coming around, kid. Well on the road to a strong
self-image. Now, if you can stop your thumb
sucking, or at least limit it to your own thumb.”
“Are
people noticing?”
“Can’t
miss it. Let’s get back to ‘Jump
Rope’ and “Go Fish’.”
“Not both!”
“Perhaps
I overestimated the extent of your capitulation.
Shall we watch another Roy Rogers movie?”
“Enough,
I’ll shoot straight with you. I’m
grateful to you for crafting a new me, someone
who can hold his head up high and walk unafraid.
Not only will I fork over ‘Go Fish’,
I’ll throw in ideas for streamlining
‘Tag.’ These efforts come easily for me.
Child’s play, as it were.”
“I wanna
see the plans. I been suckered by you innovator
guys before.”
The innovator
is peeved at her suspicions, but decides to play
along. “Well, uh, you see. Seems I left the
plans in my other trousers. I’ll mail them
as soon as I’m home. Better yet, I’ll
Fed Ex them.”
“Wow,
what a guy. Here, let me undo you.”
She proceeds
with the undoing and each cuts a finger and mixes
blood, swearing to be pals forever. For a brief
interval their eyes meet, after formal
introductions. Her eyes flirt with danger. His
eyes flirt with anything.
It’s not
a new story. Woman kidnaps renowned innovator of
kids’ games. Woman trusses him up like a
side of beef. Woman imposes inhuman indignities
on innovator. Innovator promises her anything.
Woman lets her heart rule. Woman reaches Epiphany
only to learn her hotel reservation has been lost.
Man wants to get home before the game starts.
Woman gazes intently at man and says,
“Before I consummate your release, may I ask
you something?”
“Ask, ask.”
“Are you
seeing anyone?”
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