The Night of the
Nearly-Dead
by Dan Gee
The night was
as black as the lungs of an eighty year old chain
smoker and had the stench of evil only equalled
by the abhorrent mess of Alexandra Burke’s
“Halleljuah”. Owls were hooting a song
that sounded quite charming, but it could only
act as a contrast to the sounds of slow stomping
feet, swinging handbags and clicking Zimmer
frames. Welcome to the night of the nearly dead.
Earlier in the
day nurse Dell-Rye, a kind young voluptuous nurse
had done all her work, i.e. wiping the bums of
vegetable like old people and telling off Mrs
Burbury for trying to escape the confines of the
nursing home. But, just as she was trying to get
into the car to leave, something struck her in
the back of the head; it was Mrs Eastman donning
a bowl of steaming hot porridge that created
quite a force as a striking object. Whether it
was desired or not, the poor nurse’s face
melted under the heat of the ready break and she
became part of the gravel on which she had once
stood. As her face dissolved and eyes began to
boil she felt the stomp of walking sticks around
her, heard the screams of disturbed work
colleagues and could smell that old person’s,
urine soaked, faeces tinted odour lurking around
her scorching ears.
Darkness soon
came over the land, like a big electric blanket,
and soon you could hear the screams of scared
passers-by not only because they were very hungry
and the shop was closed, due to it being a Sunday
and everywhere is shut on Sundays as its Sunday,
but also because there was a group of marauding
old people intent on killing and eating anyone
they saw.
Dogs howled,
until they were told to stop by Mr Davies,
children cried until they were slapped around the
head by Mrs Davidson and teenagers ran away too
fast for any old person to do anything. Soon the
moon rose, slow like the hand of Doris as she
reaches to get her pickled eggs from the top
shelf. Scorning down upon the land it seemed to
call to them to kill, their blood soaked false
teeth dimly glistening under the light of the
lamps. But, just as the moon told its army of his
plans, they realised that Emmerdale was about to
start so went back home.
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