The Birth Of
Roget's Thesaurus
by Garrett Socol
It took
British surgeon and inventor PM Roget 47 years to
create the thesaurus. When his invention The
Hands-Free Umbrella failed, the thesaurus became
the esteemed doctor's lifelong obsession. He
lived and breathed all things lexical.
An audio tape
of Roget’s inaugural creative session was
recently discovered at the British Library,
the London facility that houses more than 150
million items of international importance. The
tape was found underneath the original Magna
Carta, and according to Senior Library Manager
Abigail Cosgrove-Cumberbatch, the discovery was
nothing short of miraculous. “The tape was
gathering dust for a half century,” Cosgrove-Cumberbatch
reported. “If I hadn’t assigned my
assistant Pauline Finch-Halifax to take inventory,
we still wouldn’t know about its existence,
and what a loss that would be.”
Cosgrove-Cumberbatch
is an avid activist for the English language.
“At the end of the day, all we have is the
spoken word,” she explained. “We may
lose our homes, our husbands and our dignity, our
children may run far away and refuse to take our
phone calls, our friends may dwindle in number,
but we still hold onto our language.”
Assisted by PM
Roget’s devoted wife Nan (who was assigned
to write everything in longhand), the tape
documents the birth of the vital reference book
we know as the thesaurus. The following is a
transcript:
PM:
We should start, of course, with the letter A.
NAN: Not
necessarily, dear.
PM:
Why not?
NAN:
Let’s be bold and jump ahead to L in honor
of our precious little Lilly. We’ll get
to A later.
PM:
All right then. L for Lilly. L-A-A. Nothing.
NAN:
L-A-B. Lab.
PM:
Lab is short for laboratory.
Not a word unto itself.
NAN: But
it’s a word people use.
PM:
We’ll come up with synonyms when we get to laboratory.
NAN:
Are you sure we shouldn’t have at least one
or two suggestions for lab?
PM:
Quite sure.
NAN:
Suit yourself.
PM: Moving
on. L-A-B-A. Nothing.
NAN:
L-A-B-O-R. Labor.
PM:
Yes, labor. Noun. Activity. Endeavor.
NAN:
Good.
PM: Chore. Effort. Industry.
NAN:
Industry is not a synonym for labor,
sweetheart.
PM: It
can be used as a synonym.
NAN:
Not to my thinking.
PM:
I didn’t ask for your thinking, only for
your writing. Labor also happens to
be a verb. To toil, strive,
travail.
NAN:
Work oneself to the bone.
PM:
Work oneself to the bone is five words.
NAN:
But that’s what real labor is.
PM: Work
works. But not work oneself to the
bone.
NAN:
When was the last time you worked yourself to the
bone?
PM:
You’re missing the point.
NAN:
May we continue please?
PM:
We may not. There are more synonyms for labor.
NAN:
I’m tired of labor.
PM: I
just realized something: Label
should come before labor.
NAN:
Of course, how could we have overlooked label?
Label is a…trademark, design.
PM: Also
epithet, classification.
NAN: Classification? I
think not.
PM:
I don’t think not.
NAN: Just
because I classify you as stubborn doesn‘t
mean I’m assigning a label.
PM:
It can be construed as a label. Write
it down.
NAN: I’m
bored with L. Let’s go to D for our darling
little Debbie.
PM:
For Debbie. D-A-A. Nothing. D-A-B. Dab. Verb. To
smear.
NAN: To
touch.
PM:
No, no no. I can touch you without dabbing you. Dabbing
implies something on your fingertips like a
stinging ointment or a poisonous liquid that I
might smear on your tongue while you’re
asleep.
NAN: Then
how about plaster, smudge, pat?
PM:
Yes. And flick, peck, spot, stroke.
NAN: What
comes after dab?
PM:
D-A-C. D-A-E-. D-A-F. Daft. Synonyms for
daft please.
NAN: Silly,
funny, humorous.
PM:
Also demented, cracked, deliberately annoying.
NAN: That’s
two words, dear.
PM:
Well, some people happen to be deliberately
annoying.
NAN: You’re
breaking your own rule.
PM: I’m
allowed.
NAN:
And I’m not? How can you expect me to
live by a different set of rules? That’s
the mark of a Fascist state.
PM: Let’s
jump ahead to W in honor of our frightful little
Winifred.
NAN:
Fine. W.
PM:
Werewolf. A predatory mammal that
sucks the blood from its prey. You must have
scores of synonyms for that.
NAN:
No, darling. Waste and want and
weakling would precede werewolf,
wouldn’t they?
PM: They
would. So would wallop. Verb. To
bash, belt, pummel.
NAN:
Jab?
PM: Jab
is good too, along with clobber, strike, slug
in the jaw with unrestrained force.
NAN: What
are you trying to tell me?
PM: That
perhaps you’re right. Perhaps we should
include two, three and four-word phrases in
addition to singular synonyms.
NAN: I’m
glad you finally see the light.
PM:
Frankly, I don’t know what took me this long.
NAN: Maybe
you spent too much time crossing your t’s
and dotting your i’s.
PM: Nothing
wrong with paying attention to detail.
NAN:
There’s a limit. I can judge a man by
his i’s, you know. If you ask me, his
i’s are the windows to his soul. Soul.
Noun. Spirit. Essence. Disposition.
PM:
And what do my i’s tell you about my
disposition?
NAN: That
you’re a...
At this point,
the audio tape goes silent for fifteen seconds. Then
there’s the rustling of paper and the
commanding voice of Dr. Roget.
PM: I
will begin with the letter A. A-L-O-N-E. Alone. Adjective. Solo. Single.
Unaccompanied. Ecstatic beyond measure.
The recording
continues for several hours without the
assistance of Nan.
Abigail
Cosgrove-Cumberbatch has listened to the entire
tape at least two dozen times and
hasn’t tired of it. “It’s music to
my ears,” she said, dressed in a
conservative but stylish yellow pantsuit, the
kind of outfit Gwyneth Paltrow might wear to a
pelvic exam. “Imagine a Shakespearean
scholar coming upon an undiscovered work by the
Bard. That’s how thrilling this is.
Dr. Roget, I salute you.” When asked
about the rather contentious bickering of Dr. and
Mrs. Roget, the professorial Cosgrove-Cumberbatch
responded, “It’s perfectly natural for
marital partners to disagree, differ, dissent,
especially during the creative process. When the
juices are flowing, emotional abuse and physical
violence are often a natural part of the process.”
“Humiliation
goes with the territory,” Finch-Halifax
added.
“Absolutely,
positively,” the vociferous Cosgrove-Cumberbatch
stated. “However, I’d like to dispel
the rumors about Roget’s purported erectile
dysfunction. They are categorically false.
Unfounded. Erroneous.”
“True,”
Finch-Halifax said. “In fact, some experts
believe Algerian philosopher Albert Camus was the
culprit, creating the rumors, spreading them, and
deliberating trying to defile the reputation of
Dr. Roget out of unadulterated envy.”
“You know
what they say: Hell hath no fury like a jealous
Algerian.”
The audio tape
has been placed in the Sound Archive of the
British Library which also houses the 1902
recording of Sarah Bernhardt ‘s “Phedre,”
the 1953 ceremony in which Elizabeth II was
crowned Queen of England, and the 1996 hit single
“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls.
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