Sylvia Answers
the Door
by Marvin Pinkis
Sylvia Fine (nee
Fein) was at the pinnacle of her fame and fortune,
renowned, well-publicized, a generous
benefactress of the arts, a philanthropistess of
great largesse, a patron of the downtrodden. Her
wealth stemmed from shrewd investments and
fortunate speculations, enhanced by winning
substantial lotteries. The world was her oyster
to say naught of caviar and other gourmet
delicacies.
Often a guest
on talk shows, during one in particular she
divulged never having known her parents as her
mother had inadvertently swallowed seventeen mah
jong tiles. Her father, on the paternal side, was
besides himself with despair after the tragic
demise of his spouse although the union had never
been consummated and, losing no time, committed
himself to a life of the dissapated. Sylvia was
an infant in swaddling clothes and was thrust
into the world of foster families and those
environments not sanctioned by anyone. Many was
the time she had fled those inhospitable environs
only to wind up in orphanages and other
facilities for the unspoken for.
The revelation
of her heritage’s ambiguity made front page
news and was even considered as the theme for a
pilot television series to be named “Up From
the Bootstraps”, or “If She Could Do It,
Why the Hell Can’t You?”
Sylvia steeled
herself to the bombardment from charities and
fortune seekers with hard luck stories.
On one
occasion she answered the doorbell to see a woman
in shabby attire standing there. In the whisk of
an eye the woman in shabby attire extinguished a
cigarette and concealed a bottle of bourbon under
her coat.
Sylvia
inquired, “Hello, who are you?”
The woman
replied, “I didn’t expect you to
recognize me. I’m Valerie, your long lost
sister and I’m here to share our lives,
mostly yours.” A tear appeared in the
woman’s eye, then another and another and so
on.
Sylvia was
thrilled to discover an unknown relative and
welcomed Valerie with open arms. Valerie said all
the right things and Sylvia commenced a
succession of extravagant parties, lavish dinners,
gifts galore, like a subscription to “Boy
Scout Monthly” and, oh yes, a new car. The
new wardrobe was yet another amenity.
One day
Valerie was upstairs doing her nails. Downstairs,
Sylvia had to make a phone call. She picked up
the phone only to hear Valerie say, “Yeah,
Tommy baby, it’s me. You won’t believe
all the gifts I got. It would take a truck to
take it all away. And tomorrow’s the big day
when I’m gonna hit the old witch up for half
a million. When I get it I’m outta here and
it’s gonna be just you and me, kid.”
Sylvia was
infuriated and profoundly hurt. She waited until
Valerie came down and confronted her with what
she had heard, mentioned ingratitude, and booted
her out.
After some
time Sylvia got over such betrayal and
disappointment and put on a new face for her
public. Then one day the doorbell rang. She
answered and saw a man practically in rags and
reeking of spirits. The man hiccupped and said,
“I’m Tommy, the brother you never knew
you had.”
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