Spice Up
Swimming And Make It Snappy
by Michael S.
Collins
And I used to
think the swimming at the Olympics was dull.
We at the
Federation of Swimming Seriously for Medals, in
our hostile takeover of the Heats, decided that
it was time to sex up the 100 metres freestyle.
And nothing
says sexing up like a mystery competitor.
The other
swimmers nervously stood on the line, ready to
dive in. The mystery competitor would have a
handicap.
Well, everyone
would have a handicap.
The mystery
competitor would have a 10 second penalty, so the
others would get a ten second head start. In that
way, he was handicapped.
The other
swimmers were handicapped, because the mystery
competitor was a crocodile.
The starting
siren went off, and the swimmers dived off the
starting blocks into the water. And after ten
seconds...
“Release
the crocodile!”
An underwater
door opened and the crocodile swam into lane
eight.
Screams.
The crocodile
is an official competitor, you know. He has the
full qualifications to represent his home country
of wherever he pleases.
He is
representing Australia, as a matter of interest.
The crocodile
should not be swimming widths, as opposed to
lengths.
In a way
comprehensible to even someone who was educated
in the People’s Republic of Brentford...well,
a crocodile does not possess the intelligence of
a human. We couldn’t teach it how to swim
the pool according to the rules.
Or that it
shouldn’t be eating the competition. Oh, and
that’s a shame. No gold medal for Austria in
the pool this year. Someone get his next of kin!
But at the end
of the day, Australia is bound to win the gold
now. And since we, at the FSSM, have money riding
on that outcome, I think we can all find the
day’s results pleasing.
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