Satanic Ritual
Gone Bad
by Walt
Giersbach
Sioux City,
Iowa—An Iowa man has been found guilty of
killing his two stepdaughters during a ritual
from a satanic bible. Louis Harris, Jr., of Sioux
City, was convicted Thursday on two counts of
first degree murder carrying a mandatory sentence
of life in prison. Harris told police he was
performing “some strange ritual” that
had gone bad. He practiced Satanism and the
killings were part of that ritual.
All right, I
can see why everyone’s peeved, but you have
to understand things don’t always turn out
perfect every time. Don’t tell me you’ve
never lost your cell phone or accidentally left
the stove on when you went out for a drink. And
it wasn’t just “some kind of ritual,”
like adding chocolate chips to the cookies.
It’s got to be done right or why the heck do
it in the first place? I was simply trying to
figure out the ritual and forgot a few steps.
In fact, I got
into the whole thing by accident. I was looking
for Santa Claus and I found this book called
“Sell Your Soul to Satan.” I admit
I’m dyslexic. Dyslexia is a disabling
condition, like the heartbreak of psoriasis. If
you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a
dyslexic, you get someone who stays awake all
night torturing himself over whether or not
there’s a dog. That’s me.
All I was
trying to do was knock on Santa’s door and
ask for a little help. Is that so bad? To want
some assistance when your house has been
foreclosed and you’ve been fired and you owe
the equivalent of the national debt to the bank?
Honestly! Give me a break.
I got the
pentagram part right, and the goat blood and
herbs, but getting an eye of newt was impossible.
Where the hell do you get a newt in Iowa?
Well, sure,
I’m sorry about my ex-wife’s kids. I
thought they’d enjoy taking a break from the
TV and helping their step dad with a little
ritual. The prosecutor got so pissy just because
I was trying to cheer them up. I mean, it
wasn’t that I intended to burn the
house down, kill the kids and terrorize the
neighbors.
So, just ease
up a little. Oh, and I don’t recommend
reading that book, “Sell Your Soul to
Santa” or whatever. In fact, I think Amazon
should give me back my money.
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