Plenn D'Mairde
by Eric Miller
As a bartender,
I get to see all kinds of difficult people who
drive you nuts. Plenn D’Mairde is a perfect
example.
I try to avoid
people like Plenn, but when you’re the
bartender at the bar at which he sits day in and
day out, it’s a pretty tough thing to do.
Let me be blunt, right up front. The guy
definitely lives up to his French name, but in
case your tongue can’t can can with French
words, allow me to explain, but I’d prefer
to be socially appropriate. So let’s just
say that his name connotes that he is
constipationally full.
What drives me,
and pretty much everyone else, crazy is that
Plenn has illusions that he is the smartest guy
around. He thinks that he can parlay his
intelligence into being the best interviewer on
television. Now the problem with this is that he
isn't that smart; moreover, he is a terrible
interviewer.
“I need
an idea for an interview,” he said in his
singular style of pomposity, one day while
sipping a non-alcoholic light beer. “Any
ideas for a topic and guest?”
“Geez,
Plenn, all you’ve got to do is read the
front page of the local newspaper every day,”
I advised for the umpteenth time.
“Yeah,
yeah, but you’re so on top of what’s
going on. You hear the pulse beat of the
community right here, all the time.”
“Well,
there’s a lot of wheeling and dealing going
on about gerrymandering our Congressional
District. Why don’t you interview the
Commissioners of the Board of Elections?”
"What do
you mean by gerrymandering?"
"You know,
changing the boundaries of our district to help
the incumbents cluster residents from their party
within the new boundaries."
"Why
would they do that?"
"Duh?, to
win, of course."
"Win what?"
"Jesus,
Plenn; to win re-election, that's what."
"Well,
why would that jury rigging make them win?"
"No,
Plenn, it's not jury rigging; it's gerrymandering."
"I still
don’t get the difference."
“Actually,
Plenn, that’s the most astute thing I’ve
ever heard you say. There is a degree of
similarity between the two.”
“Well,
aren’t you going to tell me what they are?”
“No, you
can just ask your guests to comment on the
similarity of the two acts.”
“I have
an idea, Plenn,” Wally Malloy interjected.
“Why don’t you invite my son-in-law to
the show with the Election Commissioners.
He’s a demographer who could add a little
more dimension to the discussion.”
“I
don’t want a megalomaniac on my show. If
your son-in-law’s a demographer, then he
must be a megalomaniac.”
“No,
Plenn, if he was a demogogue, then he would be a
megalomaniac,” I interjected.
"Don't
try to semantically split hairs with me.” If
you want to use a euphemism for demagogue, so be
it, but no matter how nicely you try to frame
demography, it is still demagoguery."
“Well not
quite, but constipationally full is a good
example of a euphemism,” I noted, trying to
hold back my laughter.
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