Orcanized
by Scott Wilson
'What do you
see, Carmalot?' Redgrow the dwarf yelled to his
companion.
'Nothing?'
Carmalot said. 'At least nothing worth shagging.'
'Nothing worth
shagging, indeed.' Redgrow grunted. 'Is that all
you elves think about?'
'Not all the
time,' Carmalot said, scurrying down the thick
trunk of the tree like a spider. 'Sometimes we
think about beating silly little dwarves at
checkers or drinking or...oh, just about
everything else. Is there anything dwarves are
good at?'
Redgrow hurled
his helmet at his travel companion, missing the
elf as he moved far too quickly for the dwarf.
'But seriously,
my old friend,' Carmalot said. 'We will have
company if a few minutes.'
'What and you
let me toss my helmet at you. Know I'm going to
be behind the count when they come charging into
the camp.'
The elf smiled
wickedly and said, 'That was not the idea, or
maybe it did cross my mind.'
Before the
dwarf could reply, a dozen orcs crashed through
the trees waving rusty and jagged swords and
pikes wildly. Carmalot shot three of them with
his longbow before Redgrow had even swung his
giant war hammer into the skull of his first
victim.
'Curse you and
your cheating ways, elf,' Redgrow grunted.
'Five,'
Carmalot said, letting an arrow loose into the
neck of another orc.
Redgrow leapt
forward and swung his mighty war hammer into the
chest of an oncoming orc. The orc stumbled
backwards into two companions, causing the three
to topple over. Redgrow stood on the winded orc's
chest and brought his weapon down in three swift
blows, crushing the fallen opponent's skulls
beyond recognition, not that orc mothers were in
the habit of caring for the whereabouts of their
offspring anyway.
'Three!'
Redgrow yelled.
'Oh that is
impressive,' Carmalot replied. He rapidly shot
two more orc's with his longbow.
'Leave some
for me,' Redgrow said.
Redgrow picked
up the orc from the pile in front of him and
hurled it at the remaining two. They stumbled to
the ground over their fallen companion and were
quickly disposed of by Carmalot.
'Hey, those
two go on my count. They were sitting ducks!'
Redgrow yelled at the elf.
'I suppose you
can have them. I already added fifteen to my
tally this morning.'
'Didn't we
agree that the one that fell on top of me after
you shot it was mine? I did twist its neck you
know.'
'Fair enough. You really should learn how to use
a crossbow or something you know. Half the time
there are no orc's left by the time I've spotted
them.'
'Well leave
them for me. I like a good fight.'
Carmalot
pushed a fallen orc over.
'Oh dear,' he
said. 'It looks like this one has ruined your
helmet.'
Redgrow caught
the damaged piece of armour as Carmalot tossed it
too him.
'That's it,
you, you...elf.' he said. 'All the booty is mine.'
'And you said
that we elves thought about sex all the time.'
Redgrow's face
turned bright red and he shook uncontrollably.
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