Oh Deer!
by Eric Miller
No one fit the
profile of real deal farmers more than Buck and
Bambi Dearborn. Each had been born and raised on
a farm. When they were married, they bought a
farm of their own. They were people of the earth,
tuned in to Mother Nature, and bonded to all of
God’s creatures, big and small.
However, when
Buck and Bambi started their vineyard, this all
changed, as all things always do. The deer took
an exceptional liking to the trellised vines
which they apparently believed were a gift served
up just for them from God himself. After their
first bite, they were hooked. It was an addiction
to trellised tapas which could not be broken, no
matter what Buck and Bambi said or did.
Buck and Bambi
put up a noble fight, but ultimately they had to
wave a red wine stained white towel in surrender.
They sold the farm and retired to a suburban
complex of paved streets, concrete sidewalks, and
plastic bushes, trees, and flowers. But Mother
Nature still knew how to pull at Buck and
Bambi’s heartstrings, and soon they were
planting organically authentic, non plastic, real
deal stuff in the few scattered small patches of
unpaved soil.
But no matter
what they planted, even if the nursery tag
claimed it was deer resistant, it was gobbled up
within twenty four hours, even though Buck had
spread anti-deer powder everywhere.
“I see
deer hoofprints, although we have never seen deer
nearby,” he observed sagely to his
distraught wife.
Buck began
sleeping on the front porch, in a rocking chair,
with a hunting bow across his lap. He never saw
or heard the deer, but every morning the new
plantings had been chewed bare.
He started
popping amphetamines to keep him awake. Soon, he
saw seven deer walking toward him. Jutting his
jaw forward and gritting his teeth, Buck rose
from the rocker and aimed his bow. The deer stood
still and stared at him. Buck stared back. He
fired an arrow by one of the deer to scare it.
The deer looked at the arrow on the ground and
made a sound that Buck thought was similar to a
mocking laugh. The seven deer moved closer to the
deck. Buck waved his bow at them. They climbed
the steps. It was then that Buck recognized them.
They were the same seven deer who had terrorized
his vineyard.
Buck ran into
the house screaming.
“Bambi.
It’s the seven same deer from the farm.
They’re stalking us.”
“Now, now
dear, Bambi purred. You’re over-reacting.”
“No
I’m not. Come see.”
Bambi got up
from the bed and followed Buck to the door.
“I
don’t see any deer, dear, but I do believe
they were here. They left you an offering on the
deck, which I think is their way of giving you
the finger. Come to the kitchen dear. I have a
can of venison stew I can heat up, which I’m
sure will make you feel much better.”
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