Little Red
Riding Wolf Goes for a Kebab
by Dan Gee
We had a Jolly
time at the Leg and Truncheon and after I had
managed to finish the traditional yard of Ale I
decided to call it a night. I was walking home
under the light of the moon and like any drunken
person will tell you I suddenly wanted some
takeaway food. I was consumed by a sudden urge to
eat. It was like a plague infesting my brain; all
I could think about was kebabs. But living in
this humble little village opportunities to dine
at such places are very rare. Being a wolf
doesn’t help either because we are
segregated (I have campaigned against this as I
believe it to be racially unacceptable) and must
use our own restaurants, toilets and many other
facilities.
I decided that
if I took the short cut through the forest of the
damned then I would get home quicker and
therefore be able to ring for a takeaway. I
scampered along the forest floor as fast as my
little legs could carry me and all I was thinking
about was sweet, sweet kebab meat. I ran for a
good couple of minutes and then I came to a
little path and I heard a noise. It was the sound
of a moped approaching at an annoyingly low speed.
I stopped and waited to see what it was.
I don’t
know if it was fate but the moped that was slowly
approaching just happened to be a Wolfilopolos
Gianokopilous’ Kebab house delivery moped. I
waved it down and when the driver took off her
helmet I was stunned. She was the most beautiful
thing I had ever seen, her hair was golden like
the morning sun and her cheeks were red like the
richest rose. Her eyes were matched in beauty
only by her fantastic figure and stunning nose.
She opened her
mouth and she said with both elegance and grace,
“By eck me duck, what you doing stopping me
at this wee hour you mappet?” I was
bewildered to where she came from, it sounded a
bit Scottish, a bit Northern, it had Cockney
undertones and she also sounded like she came
from the Leicester area. I listened to her ramble
on for several minutes and wasn’t really
paying much attention as all I could think about
was beautiful kebab meat. Then she dropped a
bombshell by saying in what now sounded like a
Dudley accent, “I’m taking this
delivery to Old Wolf Mc Haggis down the road.”
“Where is
it, may I ask?” I replied, as a plan
formulated in my head.
“Yeah
course man, tis down thee road past all those
trees and bush tings.” She told me in what
now sounded like a Jamaican accent.
With that she
said goodbye and off she went. My plan was simple
get there, hide Old Wolf Mc Haggis in a cupboard
(or something) and get the grub. I knew I could
outpace that silly little bike as I was the under
19’s Wolf World 100m Champion so I could run
quick if I wanted to. It must have been only a
couple of minutes before I was there and I
quickly rang the doorbell.
I heard the
stupid old women squawk, “is that my kebab
you were meant to be here thirty two seconds ago,
where the hell have you been? And is that little
red riding hood? I specifically asked for you?”
Softening my
voice I said, “Sorry Madame there was a wee
hold up in the forest. I can explain if you let
me in.”
“Ok then
dear just open it, it’s not locked.”
So in I went
and as quick as a flash I jumped on her and
shoved her into the cupboard under the stairs. I
then slipped under the blanket that covered her
and waited for little red riding hood to appear
with my juicy kebab.
The wait
seemed forever but in reality it was only eight
minutes and seventeen seconds; I was so desperate
for a kebab that I timed it. When the doorbell
went, I had to soften my voice again, as I let
the young girl in. She apologised several times
for being late (not that I could understand much
of it as he accent was changing so rapidly). She
then stopped begging for forgiveness and with a
tone of curiosity said, “By eck you got a
big nozzle.”
“All the
better for smelling you with my dear,” I
replied.
“Ey calm
down, your teeth are huge mate.”
“Ah you
are from the Liverpool area I see, ah well they
are good for eating kebab meat.”
“Yeah man
and your arms are covered in hair and tings. And
you got four of em man, tisnt right man”
“All the
better for…stealing the kebab and running
off in a hurry.”
With
that, I swiped the kebab from her hands and tried
to run off. She then proceeded to attempt to stop
me by holding a leg of mine. I then kicked to get
away and in doing this she fell over banged her
head on the coffee table. She had stopped
breathing so in my drunken state I started giving
her mouth to mouth resuscitation. I also rang the
ambulance and as quick as a flash there it was. I
managed to get her to start breathing which
pleased the human ambulance drivers.
After this
commotion I thought I could eat my kebab in peace
and know that I had done a sort of good dead in
saving the life of little red riding hood. But I
was wrong, the old wolf woman had managed to get
herself out and in her delirious state she went
for the humans. I leapt into action and grabbed
her by the tail. I then chucked her across the
room and with that there was a mighty splash. She
fell into the toilet and was immediately flushed
into the sewers. She has never been seen again.
I thought I
would get punished as I had been a bit of a
drunken naughty wolf. But to my surprise, this
was not to be! Not only did I get a medal for my
so called ‘bravery’, but the fact I
saved humans resulted in the end of racial
segregation between wolfs and humans. We now live
in perfect harmony, I am seen as a bit of a hero
and I can have a kebab when ever I want. As for
little red riding hood, well she got amnesia and
now thinks she is a Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle.
She has also gained twelve stone and wears green
instead of red now.
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