In Dogs We Trust
by Monique Hayes
Barney, we
need to have a serious talk. As the outgoing dog
of the White House, we’ve come to expect a
certain kind of canine decorum. No. We don’t
mean fetching shoes should anybody throw them at
the President. We’re inclined to believe he
wouldn’t want them anyway. Additionally,
fetching newspapers with low opinions of your
owner, particularly from left wing publications,
is not necessary. That said, dear terrier, take
heed.
Biting
reporters is not okay. Just because John Decker
is a journalist, and was good-natured about it,
does not make it okay. Your bite is worse than
your bark. He should know. We have yet to hear
any scandals surrounding your predecessor, Socks.
But you probably don’t want to compare
yourself to a cat. That was Clinton’s burden
to carry. This is the era of dogs, thankfully.
So we arrive
at our point. When the Obamas arrive for their
tours, you are to be on your best behavior. Do
not pee in the Oval Office. Do not chase the limo
carrying them. Do not jump on the legs of his
daughters. We know you like daughters; it’s
too bad they’re not twins. We find it very
important to remind you to be extra cautious if
the oldest, Malia, is in the vicinity. She cannot
take your allergens. Calm down. We don’t
mean that as an insult. Besides, the Obamas are
doing the right thing. They’ve chosen a dog
as their inaugural pet. No, it’s not a
Scottish terrier. They are considering getting a
mutt. Obama seems to think he is one. You
don’t agree? Well, we won’t be here to
debate him.
It’s been
a great eight years. You played many rounds of
soccer with the President on the South Lawn. You
got to pose with three beautiful ladies in front
of the annual Christmas tree, a slot often
reserved solely for the man in charge. You met
your own furry lady, Miss Beazley, who you
didn’t hate for having a feline best friend.
We understood. You can’t hate your niece for
something like that. Sometimes human beings just
won’t do. Of course, maybe you excused her
since Willie is the incumbent. We like
Willie the cat, though. She keeps herself clean.
That’s good of her.
We know you
are good, too. Be a good citizen and let’s
make this transition smooth. January 20th is near.
While you are loyal, and might’ve preferred
your owner’s choice McCain, it can’t be
changed. We can reward you with kibble for your
cooperation. It’s not a Purple Heart, but we
can put it in a purple bowl. Do this for us and
we won’t have a bone to pick with you. Come
to think of it, you’ve buried all the bones.
Miss Beazley has also received this memo. We
believe in equal opportunity. Remember your
manners in these final days. We’ll salute
you and we won’t make you sit.
Signed,
A concerned member of the canine lovers’
community
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