How to Get Ahead
in Life
by Michael S.
Collins
A man walked
down a street, then his head exploded.
The man’s
name was George Smith, and he was upset: which
was understandable, as he hadn’t expected
his head to explode. It was out of the blue. It
was as unexpected as waking up to see a tiger on
your doorstep. And, to those readers in Bengal,
where such an occurrence might be expected, it
was like walking down the street, whereupon you
are hit on the head by the moon on a vacation
from its orbit. The head exploding was a similar
surprise.
He now had to
explain why he had ascended to the valleys of
free internet access three decades too early.
"It’s
not my fault", cried Mr Smith, "I
didn’t ask for my head to explode!"
Death looked
solemnly at the former banker.
"Well,
you must have done something. People's heads
don’t just explode like that. Did you press
the self-destruct button?"
"I
don’t believe I did."
"Good",
said Death, "Because it states in the manual
clearly that people who press the self-destruct
button should be wary of the consequences."
"What
self-destruct button?"
Death looked
bemused. "Have you been playing around with
your primary cortex plug?"
"My what?"
"The part
of the brain we plug into the life force.
It’s simple. Every created human has their
brain connected to the database, which supplies
memories, hobbies, religious faiths, etc. When
someone has run their life, we disconnect them
from the system. All very efficient."
"Efficient?"
"What did
you expect, that I would walk around with a
scythe and black cloak stopping people's hearts?"
George had to
admit that he expected Death to look like a
skeleton with a scythe in a black cloak.
Instead, this
teenage girl sat in front of him, wearing a loose
fitting T-shirt and short skirt.
"No
worries", said Death, "I think I can
see what the problem is here."
"I've
gone insane?"
"No no",
laughed Death, "one of your cortex fuses
overheated, and you blew it."
"I blew a
fuse?"
"Yes, and
quite messily. Well, we'll soon sort that out,
have you back to normal"
"Do I
have to be back to normal?"
"What
would you prefer? Would you like to be the Dalai
Lama? Or a crocodile hunter?"
"Anything
other than a banker."
"Make
your mind up", noted Death, “I need to
get ready for my date tonight!"
"You have
a date?"
"Yes,
Craig from Newcastle. He's so hot!" Gushing
slightly, she composed herself. "Don't look
so shocked. I'm immortal, bored, and unable to
resist all those hot guys on Earth."
George had no
honest idea how to respond.
"No
worries", reassured Death, "I wonder if
Craig's pal would join us. He's not too bad
himself." She paused. "I’m just
teasing, but we’re wasting time and I want
to look my best for later. I can’t believe I
let you see me without my makeup on!"
George Smith
had no time to utter a single complaint. You just
don’t argue with Death, even if she was
attractive. Alternatively, maybe, you just do not
argue with Death because she was attractive.
Ten seconds
after his head exploded, George Smith sat up
again, complete with head. Everyone rejoiced.
Except for one youth, who had left his camcorder
at home.
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