Good Bank, Bad
Bank
by Walt
Giersbach
President
Obama and Treasury Secretary Geithner are
considering the creation of “bad banks”
to offload the toxic loans held by many banks.
This may—or may not—release new funds
for consumer loans.
Dear Mr.
Anthony:
We are in receipt of your request for a loan of $100,000
that your hospital requires as a down payment for
a heart transplant. We are sympathetic with your
plight, but under new Federal regulations to
avoid undue risk to taxpayers we are required to
pass your application by both our good bank and
bad bank departments before expediting your
request. This is a summary of our findings:
Good Bank:
We’re happy to comply with your request for
$100,000 and applaud your desire to have a new
heart. Under the previous administration there
was a severe shortage of hearts and a surplus of
testicular functions.
Bad Bank:
We also concur with your request, but in the
interest of lowering risk to taxpayers we must
request you deposit your first-born child with us
as collateral. You understand the necessity of
this, we hope, since your car has been
repossessed and your mortgage is in default.
GB:
This collateral will be temporary in nature,
until you’ve paid off fifty percent (50%) of
the loan. We believe this will not present an
undue hardship since you have several other
children and a fertility clinic is chock full of
your wife’s fertilized eggs being held in
the event of a nuclear reactor meltdown.
BB: At
that time, we’ll exchange your child for
your wife, presuming standard depreciation on a
48-year-old woman with no morbid health problems.
Under the new guidelines, your wife will work at
the Red Cross Blood Bank as a donor. As with your
car and home, your heart may be repossessed for
non-payment on the loan.
GB: If
you will call our office to make an appointment,
we will have the necessary papers ready. In lieu
of the customary toasters and can openers our
bank formerly provided new clients, we will allow
you to choose from our supply of body parts and
organs at a discounted price.
BB: It
would help if you bring your own pen with which
to sign the documents. And don’t forget your
first-born child.
Cordially,
The Officers
First Notional Bunk
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