God's Sorry, He
Has Made a Few Mistakes and Will Make Amends Soon
by Michael Levy
I awoke one
morning from a pleasant nights sleep and before
my eyes focused clearly, the phone rang. The
caller ID only read, celestial being, so I was
not going to answer it. Well, you never know if
it is the devil on the phone or God. I was in no
mood to be talking to the devil so early in the
morning, but when it comes to God, he can call at
any time and I'm ready to listen to what he has
to say, even though he complains all the time
these days that nobody listens to him anymore.
I took a
chance, it was God on the phone, and he was in an
extra state of uneasiness. He told me he has been
keeping a close eye on human behavior patterns
the past few thousand human years and realizes he
has made a few mistakes when it came to the human
body. We should note that one of God's days
equals ten thousand of our human years, so after
closer observations of moral beings for a day, he
has drawn up a new blueprint for the human race,
because he sees the current model will be extinct
before his next day is over. Here are a few of
the novel designs God told me he is going to
incorporate in the new human model, for he wants
to make sure ... All is really good next time
around.
The first
change will be people will have a chimney on the
top of their heads. The roof of the mouth will
have a flap and when a person lights up a
cigarette, the flap will automatically open and
the smoke will go up a specially lined flue and
will be filtered into clean air by the time it
comes out the chimney. This will stop the smoke
going into the lungs and causing people to die of
lung cancer. He will also flavor the extracted
clean air with lavender and frankincense so all
non-smokers will invite smokers into their homes
and enjoy their clean, mountain air tonic.
The next great
idea God has come up with is to take out the
liver, kidneys and bladder, replacing them with a
distillery. No matter if a person drinks pure
water, soda, beer, or spirits. It will pass
through the body and into an express distillery.
There will be a choice of many exotic alcoholic
cocktails. Whatever a person thinks up will be
transmitted by neurons to the distilleries
mechanism, so that when the person urinates, they
will pee into a glass and hay presto, they have
their drink of the day. If they want to put a bit
of fizz into the drink, all they need to do is
jump on the spot for a minute and it will come
out shaken, not stirred ... Self - replenishing
drinks ... How cool is that!
The next
measure he has implemented is to take out the
intestines and digestive tract. This will be
replaced with a fast food processing plant.
Burgers, hot dogs, etc., will all be available on
demand by just thinking about it. People will be
able to eat whatever they want and just think
what they would like for the next meal. Then,
before they can say, Jack Robinson, the eaten
food will be processed so that they can have an
elimination and out will pop burgers and hot dogs,
just the way they like them cooked. Of course,
they will have to take a plate with them to the
toilet, or they will have to fish out soggy
burgers.
Yummy, I can
just see your mouth watering at the thought of it.
There will be
no requirement for doctors or pharmaceutical
drugs, because in the new human model nobody will
ever become sick or die of old age. The new
structure will be made of flame and rust proof
indestructible molecules, sinews and tissues, so
people can abuse themselves from morning until
night with smoking, drinking and overeating junk
food and nothing will harm them.
However, God
still likes his little jokes, so for the time
being, he will keep the mind just the way it is
now. People will still believe they have free
will and can make up as many religions as they
deem necessary, so that they can keep the flames
of hatred burning brightly. In fact, hatred will
be the main subject in all schools and made
compulsory for every student. Science and
intelligent design will be removed from the
curriculum, for with hatred as the main subject,
people will have plenty to fight over.
Society will
still be able to wage destructive wars, only
problem being, they will not be able to kill one
another. They can invent all kinds of nuclear
weapons, smart bombs, etc., but they will only be
able to blow up buildings, animals, plants and
trees. People will be indestructible, so they can
create mayhem and chaos all the time, therefore,
no need of video games or reality TV shows.
The fun has
only just begun for God, for he will give each
person a different language to speak, so nobody
will be able to understand what anybody else is
saying. It is not that much different from what
we have now, with people who speak the same
language and divide each other up into different
groups, only this time around, the groups will
only contain one person. Each person will be
given the same name, but with a different model
number. They will all be named, Frankenstein and
each will have their own serial number.
Not all the
new changes will be so much different to the
medical professions present day model, which has
altered the human body by removing intestines,
face-lifts that go higher and higher with each
season and all the other great gifts they have
augmented. Its just that God has taken it to a
more advanced level of sophistication and
realizes it is what people are asking for each
day.
God believes
the fresh benefits are huge for his chosen races
that are built in his image. Humans will be able
to cut down all the trees once they can
manufacture their own clean oxygen supply through
their personal chimneys. If they run out of space,
they can drain the oceans, because they have
their own inner, ever regenerating, drinks
machine ... Who needs water!
Once they run
out of that space, they can build mega-homes of
one million sq. feet. Impoverished people can
sleep standing up and every human will own one sq.
foot, in a million sq. foot home. Every common
person can brag about living in a million sq.
foot home. But not the rich people, they will
have their own underground bunkers with all the
modern day trappings of real wealth (but that's
another story). Also, since they cannot kill each
other and will live forever, they can breed
animals, to kill them just for sporting fun in a
new game called, animal wars. When they wipe all
the game animals out, they can bomb the breeding
factories and make animals extinct creatures.
Before too
long, without any water, all the plants and
flowers will perish and the earth will become a
barren landscape … A barren wasteland, which
will resemble the moon, Mars and all the other
planets in our solar system. The good news is, it
will save billions of dollars on future space
missions, for who needs to visit barren planets
when we will have contrived our own right here on
earth. Yes indeed, home is where the heart is and
a barren wilderness is a worthy home for
aggressive humans. Indeed, God know, all will be
better than good.
Of course,
human beings have a great imagination and now
they know God's future plans they may beat him to
it and restructure earth and the human body
themselves. They may even concoct a completely
new form of God and make this present-day one
redundant. Perhaps they will devise a God that
will remove the human brain, replace it with one
that delights in greed, and fear more than the
present model. The newfangled God can dispose of
any feelings of love & joy, so that people
can feel contented, soaking up other people's
misery. Powerful, clandestine speculators will be
able to manipulate the commodity markets more
than they do now and make crude oil $1000 a
barrel, Gold $10,000 an ounce, etc. Business can
learn better ways to swindle people and cheating
contests will be held for executives, who will
get billion dollar bonuses for being the biggest
swindlers.
Most people
will remain poor, but with a chimney in their
heads and a distillery in their tummies, who will
care. Yes, future generations will have a lot to
be thankful. They will be able to debate why life
is so boring, whilst reminiscing about the good
old days, when people could actually kill each
other in wars,. Since they all talk different
languages it will bring new life to the phrase
"Actions speak louder than words".
So, let's
raise our glass's and drink a toast to future
prospects ... "Here's looking at you future
generations, with the scheming red in your eyes
and the venomous perversions in your grin."
I awoke in a
pool of sweat realizing I had only been dreaming.
I fetched the newspaper in from the front porch
and read the headlines. I cried out ... Oh My God
... It was not a dream; someone has begun to
generate the changes?
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