Five Short
Pieces
by Charlie
Britten
ICE AND SNOW
“We take
our pupils’ health and safety very seriously,”
read the notice Miss Headteacher pinned on the
school gate. “School is cancelled today.”
”Hurray
for ice and snow!” she thought. “And
for all the savings I'm making on heating,
catering and cleaners’ pay!”
She walked
across the empty playground and opened the door
to her warm office. “Now I can get on with
some nice paperwork.”
******************************************************
TWENTY-FOUR SEVEN
“Computer
problems? Ring us any time.”
I rang the
number listed in the advert and waited for the
familiar ring-ring. Mobile numbers take longer to
connect, don’t they? But instead I got this
extended birdlike single brrr-
“He-ll-o.”
I started
explaining about my printer not printing, and was
about to tell him about my dodgy internet
connection, but he cut me short. “Erm…
I’m on holiday, love , in Florida.”
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DESPERATE DAN
Daniel thought
he was so cool, in his baggy jeans which dropped
below his boxers. Green spots, red check, little
blue and red squares… we girls saw them all. This
morning he was getting up from his computer at
college when they dropped down to his thighs.
He gave us a
sidelong look, his eyes widening in shock and
horror and his lips forming an astonished
‘O’.
But I'd seen
him loosen his fly button earlier.
******************************************************
FOXTROT
The dustbin is
on its side and there is rubbish strewn all over
the garden. Again. “I will put a brick
on top of the lid!” cries Carnivore.
“That’ll stop the fox.”
But it didn't.
One brick… two… three… four…
five… six… Charlie knocks them all down
to get what he wants.
Carnivore goes
away on business, leaving Vegetarian in the house
on her own.
No bricks
needed now. The fox trots no more.
******************************************************
MEMORANDUM
To:
Sixthform Tutors
From: Headteacher
Bottles of
‘Water’ Taken In Exams
Your concerns
noted, also that vodka is odourless. Last
year Sarah Watson’s ‘water bottle’
contained neat gin and she got into Cambridge..
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