Express Line
by Eric Miller
Feeling guilty
that I had invited friends for dinner at the last
minute, I told my wife I would run to the
supermarket to pick up what we needed.
“It will
take you too long. You're the kind of person who
has to walk up and down each aisle, even if you
only need one item. I'll go, it will be much more
efficient."
"I’ll
be fine,” I reassured her.
True to my
claim, I got what I needed quickly and pushed my
cart up to the checkout line, behind several
overflowing carts. A manager approached me and
told me to go through the Express Line.
"I have
too many items for Express,” I told him.
"It’s
fine. Don’t worry,” he said.
"Will you
defend me if I come under attack?"
"Sir,
it’s fine. Don’t worry,” he
repeated.
"The
manager sent me here, even though I have too many
items," I explained to the Express cashier.
"Yeah,
yeah, yeah," she muttered, as she started to
ring me up.
"Are
these Bosc or Bartlett pears?," she asked.
"I have
no idea," I answered.
"I can't
ring you up without a code," she said, as
two customers, each carrying one item, lined up
behind me.
"Ring
these people up first," I offered,
graciously.
"I can't,
I've already started you."
"Call the
pear whatever you want," I suggested.
"I might
call it by the wrong name."
"It's
okay. Just ring it up," I replied.
"I might
charge too much, plus skew the inventory,"
she advised, with a look of dismay at my cavalier
attitude.
"Hey, you've
got too many items. Get out of the line,"
the woman behind me blurted out loudly.
"Yes, I
know, but the manager sent me here," I
emphasized.
"He was
wrong. Get out of the line."
"Yeah,
what are you doing in this line," a guy
holding a six pack of beer yelled.
"See what
you've caused," the cashier growled.
"What I've
caused?," I barked. "Just ring this
stuff up, so I can get out of here."
"What's
the problem?," a different manager asked, as
he approached quickly.
"This guy
isn't supposed to be here."
"Sir,
step aside," the manager said, taking my arm.
"No,"
I shouted. “Another manager told me to come
here. You people don’t know what you’re
doing.”
"You
people?," the manager said, glaring.
"You
people?," the cashier said, scowling.
"You
people?," everyone in line shouted.
"Yes, you
people," I shouted back, as I started to
pick up each item, one by one, from my cart and
hand it to the cashier. "This is a Forelle
pear; ring it up. This is a MacIntosh apple; ring
it up. This is endive; ring it up. The Latin name
for this plant is 'Leafusupyoursius'; ring
it up."
"Sir,"
a woman in the adjacent aisle said, smiling:
"The plant is an Aspidistra. Would you like
me to tell the cashier what to do with it?"
I waved to her
appreciatively as I was dragged out of the store.
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