Bite the Bride
by Walt
Giersbach
COLUMBIA
STATION, Ohio (AP) - An Ohio couple has vowed to
love each other and haunt and howl at the moon
together at a Halloween-themed wedding. Sixty-one-year-old
Jack Holsinger and 44-year-old Connie Spitznagel
were both made up as vampires for their
‘scare-emoney’ Saturday night at a
haunted house. Holsinger arrived in a coffin
inside a hearse, and the coffin was carried to
the altar by six pallbearers. Minister Greg Kopp
was dressed as Jason in the Friday the 13th
movies.
Now, I’ve
officiated at a lot of weddings, but this one
topped them all. Jack and Connie saw that movie, Twilight,
about 12 times and it went to their head. The
kids tell me Twilight is about this
really old vampire in high school—sort of
like those slackers left back in our school
system. And there are about half a dozen neck-biting
novels on the best-seller lists, but a vampire
wedding carries this thing too darn far. In fact,
I saw Jack and Connie in the tavern a few weeks
ago gumming raw hamburgers and drinking bloody
Marys through their plastic vampire teeth.
I went along
with the wedding gag when they told me to dress
up like Jason in Friday the 13th. Me, a
preacher. No one told me Jason was a demented
killer. When the ceremony started, a bunch of
pallbearers wheeled old Jack down the aisle in a
coffin. Connie looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy
with her face powdered in flour and her mouth
lipsticked like she’d sucked the paint off a
fire truck.
Well, I’m
glad my friends didn’t know about this
wedding or I’d’ve died of shame. When
the ceremony concluded, I blurted out, “You
may now bite the bride.” Jack clamped onto
her neck and a gleam came over Connie’s face
like she’d reached orgasm on a roller
coaster.
They insisted
I stay for the reception, and I said, “Okay,
for a short while.” The Champagne toast was
replaced with bags of tomato juice labeled
“type O blood.” Place looked like it
was catered by the Red Cross. I resisted their
invitation to imbibe on a catheter. Said I was on
a diet. Fortunately, they didn’t have any
plasma or I’d’ve been in trouble.
But, I look on
the bright side. Jack and Connie being immortal
vampires means no one will have to conduct a
funeral service for them.
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