Astroturfing
Your Way to Publishing Success
by Walt
Giersbach
These are hard times for
writers due to a Malthusian conflict: There are
more writers than readers. In the near future,
there will be room for just 20 authors —
those featured on The New York Times Book
Review best-seller list. (This may devolve to
zero readers when the NYT ceases
publishing.) Most writers’ work will then be
consigned to desk drawers or photocopies they
sell outside supermarkets.
But, there’s hope.
Four “hopes,” specifically, that you
can use to gain writing fame and fortune.
1. Censorship Google
some secrets that might embarrass the CIA, NSA,
or people in high places, then go to print on
demand with your manuscript and order 50,000
books. The government will buy up all copies and
reimburse you. Operation Dark Heart by
Anthony A. Shaffer irked the Pentagon, Defense
Intelligence Agency, and a few other espionage
agencies in 2010. The Pentagon paid St.
Martin’s Press $43,000 for all 10,000 copies,
then pulped them.
2. Insult that Religion
with No Name This is somewhat dangerous, so
first secure your family in Arizona where even
children can carry guns. If no one pays any
attention to your turgid-but-blasphemous book,
notify an imam. He will issue a fatwa to
kill you. Join your family in Arizona (after
calling The New York Times) and wait for
the royalties to roll in from the resultant
publicity.
3. Build a Ghost
Audience Contact all of your friends by e-mail,
texting, Tweeting, and Facebooking. Instruct them
to go to their local bookstore and demand your
book. You don’t actually have to write it
yet. When thousands of people begin screaming for,
say, Existentialism Takes a Pratfall by [insert
your name], publishers will come running to you.
This happened in 1957 when radio personality Jean
Shepherd had his audience demand I, Libertine,
a non-existent book about an 18th
century rake. Three months later, Ballantine
rushed the book into print.
4. Calling Tree, Prayer
Chain Call it what you will. The author needs
to have 10 friends each call 10 of their friends
who, in turn, call 10 more friends. Arrange to
meet on a Saturday afternoon at a central, urban
location like New York City’s Union Square.
The police will be very perplexed. So will the TV
and newspaper reporters. They’ll want to
know why you’re all demonstrating. Everyone
should insist they’re not protesting, just
minding their own business and thinking about
your book. This is benevolence at its best. Like
a good Japanese wabi sabi print, the space
becomes solid and the non-event takes on
substance.
Some people may accuse you
of perpetrating a cheap marketing trick, like
telling everyone it’s your birthday so
they’ll give you presents. What you’re
really doing is opening the floodgates of
communication.
Rallies are fundamental
grassroots efforts by people who believe in a
cause. They’re a manifestation of our
populist culture. With the demise of culture and
any pretense of serious thought today, you will
have created Astroturf — bright, green grass
that is plastic and artificial. Just like money.
|
