An Inconvenient
Memo at Christmas
by Walt
Giersbach
To: Mr. K.
Kringle
Subject: Modifications of Xmas Functions and
Products
From: Central Control Authority, U.S. Government
Below is
notification of our testing of products submitted
for review:
1. Yule Log.
Product has been found by Federal Trade
Commission to be highly flammable and a hazard
when ingested by children and pets. No warning
label or ingredients are listed.
2. Sleigh:
Environmental Protection Agency determined while
no fossil fuel is consumed, complaints were
registered by the Federal Aviation Authority re.
evacuation of organic matter (feces) over
Poughkeepsie, Tacoma and Chagrin Falls. Civil
Aeronautics Board is also initiating cancellation
of your license for not filing a flight plan
since the year 992.
3. Red Suit,
Fur-Lined: Insufficient data was submitted to
substantiate approval. Was fur taken from
endangered species? Is suit fire retardant? Has
this been approved for high-altitude flying?
4. Candy
Canes: Although approved by Food & Drug
Administration, the Americans with Disabilities
Act suggests eliminating this item as being
offensive to dwarves and midgets.
5. Elves:
The Equal Employment Opportunities Commission
finds your hiring practices are discriminating.
Being small with pointy ears is not a bonafide
occupational qualification.
We are sorry,
Mr. Kringle, that none of the above items can be
approved. We note in passing that proceedings are
also being filed for trademark infringement for
usurping the “Santa Claus” clothing
service mark of Salvation Army bell-ringers.
On a personal
note, may I suggest you dissolve your
unincorporated organization, file for bankruptcy
and retire to the Southwest as an alternative to
appealing this decision? Since government
clothing allowances also provide stockings, Uncle
Sam may as well fill them too.
Merry
Christmas.
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