Adapt Or Die:
Making Ends Meet In This Economic Cesspool
by Garrett Socol
An intensive,
expensive six-month survey recently posed the
question: How is the world's declining economy
impacting our daily lives?
In an effort
to represent both ends of the economic spectrum,
researchers studied the responses of three
thousand people from two diametrically opposed
groups. The first consisted of residents of
Beverly Hills, California (one of the richest
cities in the U.S., based on IRS figures). The
second consisted of citizens of Newark, New
Jersey (one of the poorer cities, based on IRS
figures). For purposes of clarity, we’ll
refer to the wealthy participants as the Trumps
and the less privileged participants as the
Tramps.
89% of the
Trump women no longer purchase fragrances like
Chanel or Escada eau de parfum. Instead, they go
for the vastly more affordable eau de toilette,
manufactured by the same companies. On the other
hand, 92% of the Tramp women have decided that at
the end of a long workday there’s nothing
wrong with smelling like a garbage truck.
For the Trumps,
filet mignon has been replaced with beef
kabobs. For the Tramps, beef kabobs have been
replaced with Gravy Train on a toothpick.
The Trump men
have reduced the number of visits to the dentist
from once every six months to an “as
needed” basis. Ditto for 90% of the Trump
women. The Tramps have adopted a revolutionary
outlook on oral hygiene. They believe the erosion
of teeth is a natural progression, like the
graying of hair and the varicosing of veins.
Therefore, if the wrinkled face of a senior
citizen should command respect, the same should
apply to discolored, rotting teeth.
85% of the
Trumps have replaced slim, aesthetically pleasing
bottles of Evian with family-size jugs of
Arrowhead. The Tramps have replaced family-size
jugs of Arrowhead with ordinary tap water.
However, if the color of the tap water is burnt
umber or rust rather than clear or very pale blue,
a six-pack of Mountain Dew, kept under lock and
key, may come to the rescue.
87% of Trump
women have given up shopping at Jimmy Choo (albeit
begrudgingly), taking their business to Payless.
(The remaining 13% continue to patronize the
upscale shoe boutique, but they attempt to
shoplift at least one pair per visit.). The
Tramps, for whom Payless was once a popular
destination, have embraced the notion that
barefoot is beautiful.
58% of the
Trump women have bravely given up bimonthly
oxygenating facials. The remaining 42% are making
a valiant attempt to embrace their blackheads and
clogged pores. None of the Tramp women ever
exfoliated on a regular basis, and they don’t
plan to start now.
In an effort
to cut toiletry costs, 75% of the Tramp gals have
given up shaving their legs and armpits. The
majority of the Trump women continue to shave,
but they’ve said bye-bye to their bikini
waxes (except during the summer months).
A staggering
99% of the men and women in the Trump category
have downsized their Starbucks drinks from venti
to tall. The same applies to the Tramp men (except
those 5’7” or shorter). The Tramp women
have stopped drinking coffee altogether. They
don’t wish to stay awake any longer than
necessary.
There are two
striking similarities in the research findings:
1. Several
individuals in both groups used their ingenuity
to make a fortune by identifying a niche that
needed to be filled. One Trump man started a
small press that publishes poetry written by
women over 65. One Tramp woman began a
photography studio specializing in family
portraits of Aboriginal Australians.
2. 93% of
newlyweds from both groups have decided to raise
dogs instead of children. Not only is the cost of
raising a canine considerably less than that for
a toddler, the chances of teenage pregnancy (as
well as drug addiction and boyfriend problems)
are remarkably slim in the pooch world. Plus, a
dog is born fully clothed and in no need of the
latest from Stella McCartney or Donatella Versace.
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