Don't Feel Up To
Carving And Cleaning Your Pumpkins This Halloween?
Let Vegan Zombies Do It For You!
by Roger Freed
Save yourself
the mess and the stress of making your families
jack-o-lanterns this Halloween; let Vegan Zombies
do it for you!
Our non-brain
eating team of eager un-deads are more than happy
to turn their ravenous talents to scooping out
the innards of your pumpkins so that they are
candle ready for the holiday.
Our zombies
have had their 'cranial urges' neutralized
through a combination of shock therapy, diet
retraining and the same conversion therapy that
hard-core religionists use to transforms gay
strayers off the path into straights. You don't
have to worry a bit about one of them turning
their hungers upon your poor skull when you hire
them. Their are now repulsed by the thought of
raw cerebrals and are turned on by squash muck.
For only $15 a pumpkin plus some salt, pepper and
Balsamic vinegar our expert extractors will carve,
hollow out and having your squash's face ready in
no time.
Certain
restrictions do apply-
DO NOT UNDER
ANY CIRCUMSTANCES have zombie movies playing
anywhere near where they are working. On rare but
gruesome occasions our colleagues have been know
to suddenly revert spontaneously back to their
former grisly dietary habits which have resulted
in death and vegetative states to some of our now
former customers. These rare and needless
incidents have been the cause of needless
lawsuits, comas and new crops of brain maddened
regular zombies which cost a lot of money to
retrain..
Please do not
comment on their looks. Many of our helpers are
sensitive about their decaying appearance and can
get quite upset and emotional. Especially the
females. If you can tell that they are females.
Please be considerate and sensitive. The last
thing you want is a wailing zombie upset about
loosing their youthful appearance.
Keep
communication to a minimum so that they can
concentrate on their work. It is very frustrating
for them to carry on a conversation when their
vocabulary is limited to “Aaaargh!”,
“Gruuuunt!” and “Me like pumpkin
slime!”. They will get the job done faster
and we will bill you less if mum is the word.
DO NOT give
them them any food other than the pumpkins!
Hungry, munching zombies have difficulties seeing
where food ends and fingers begin.
Do NOT give
them tips. Zombies have a hard time understanding
money and how it works. JUST MAKE SURE THEY HAVE
ENOUGH PUMPKIN TO EAT!!! This cannot be
emphasized enough. A very hungry zombie might
also revert back to old ways.........unexpectedly..........
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