U.S.
Gastronomical Guide For The Traveling Zombie
by Roger Freed
Fans of brains
everywhere, rejoice! Here is the first in-print
guide to fine brain dining wherever you go in the
US. Our ghoulish researchers have spent many dark,
moonlit nights partaking of the cuisine available
throughout this great land. They have
experimented with cranial delicacies from the
intellectuals of New York to the trailer trash of
Alabama. Here is a portion of the guide to whet
your appetite for mental munchies. (Whereas most
zombies are only able to communicate in
monosyllables, this guide is written for the more
discretionarily astute zombie who cares about
what he puts in his mouth.)
Los
Angeles - Zombie heaven! So many people,
so many brains! And so much variety- Asian brains,
black brains, Hispanic brains- all with their own
subtle flavorings!
Actor and actress brains are particularly good as
they have not been used much. Watch for
especially exquisite buxom, blond bimbo brains-
deliciously dumb!
New
Orleans - Known for its fine multi-cultural
cuisine, unfortunately the general brains here
are too mushy from disuse and a generally poor
diet. Recommend eating only the uptown swanks who
take better care of themselves.
San
Francisco - In general the brains here
are full of holes from the acidic effect of the
chemicals from too much drug taking. The
remaining residue makes them unsavory.
Seattle
- No information available. Apparently
the people here are hard to catch because they
drink so much coffee.
Boulder.
Colorado - Tasty, but tend to be on the
light side. Possibly the healthiest brains in the
U.S. Not much fat content due to vegetarian, tofu
diet. Can make a zombie anemic if eaten
constantly.
Newark,
New Jersey - Greasy, too full of oil.
Boston
- Not a good searching ground. Brains
here are overused, therefore are tough and hard
to chew.
Minneapolis
- Brains here lose flavor from needing
to defrost first, but aside from that are first
class. Spicing up recommended as mid-westerners
have bland diets.
Washington
D.C. - Brains aplenty here, although
tending to be very dry. They disconcertingly keep
on pulsating even after you bite into them. That
is because most D.C. people overemphasize their
importance, think they are immortal and don't
know when to croak.
Southern
Florida - Not a good hunting ground.
Mostly old people, their brains are too soft and
saggy. Too many leave an Alzheimer's aftertaste.
On the other hand they are easy to catch.
Texas
- Good brains, although very fatty.
Chicago
- Again, a real smorgasbord of various
ethnic and racial brains. Unfortunately, citizens
here are street smart and tough and do not like
to give up their brains without a real battle.
One has to really fight for his meal here.
Glowing
recommendations from our readers -
Zong - “Yeah, Milwaukee brains good!
Saturated with beer! Yeah!”
Mag - ”I like brains on toast! Hold bread
under ear, squeeze neck hard. Easy!
Ogg - “Munch, munch, munch! Yumm, me eat
interviewer!”
The
Gastronomical Travel Guide For Gourmet Zombies is
available at better bookstores everywhere,
provided you don't eat the cashier first.
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