The Greatest
Loser
by Maranda
Russell
"Congratulations!
You have entered the Guinness Book of World
Records for accumulating the most manuscript
rejections in the past year! I have been sent to
interview you and find out how you accomplished
this magnificent feat. What would you say got you
to where you are today?"
"Well, to
be absolutely honest, I just suck. My writing
lacks flavor and that certain undefinable thing
that all the editors are hunting."
"Come now,
surely as many times as you have submitted work,
there was an editor somewhere who appreciated it?"
"Not
really. Some of my favorite editorial
comments of all time were the following:"
1. I wouldn't read this to my dead grandma...or
my dead goldfish.
2. If you wanted to torture me, why didn't you
just make me listen to Barry Manilow instead of
reading this crap?
3. This story really came in handy when I ran out
of toilet paper. Thanks!
4. Ok, I must admit you had us all in stitches,
now where is your real submission?
5. Do you write scripts for "The Hills"?
"Wow,
those are some pretty harsh comments. Do you hold
grudges against these editors?"
"No, that
would be pointless. When I take over the world, I
will just punish them then. Grudges are
stupid and they give you wrinkles. Revenge
is beautiful and makes you smile."
"What
would you tell others who want to follow in your
footsteps?"
"I would
say the most important things are to dream big
and always believe in yourself. That will
set you up for a giant fall into the canyon of
disappointment. Once there, just dwell on all the
pity you feel towards yourself. There is no
better way to become a great loser. When
life knocks you down, whine and cry for awhile,
and then find someone else to blame for your
problems. I find that your parents or the
government are always handy scapegoats."
"This
interview has been most illuminating. I just have
one other question before I go. Who has been the
greatest inspiration to you?"
"There
are actually two famous characters that I find
myself studying and following. The first is
Eeyore. His gloomy outlook and tail-tucked-between-the-legs
attitude mirror exactly the atmosphere that I
strive to create in my own life. The other is
Hitler. Did you know that before becoming a
dictator that Adolf wanted to be an artist?
If only people had bought his paintings, then he
never would have wreaked so much havoc on the
world. When your dreams of being great are
smashed, it always pays to have a backup plan.
Just imagine what a painting by Hitler would sell
for now. Someday, people will be begging to buy
my stories. Of course, they will also be begging
for their lives by then, but that's another
subject entirely."
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