Special Hell For
CEOs Created
by Roger Freed
God Almighty
in close association with Satan has created a
special hell for CEOs and other business leaders
who have helped to create the present world-wide
financial meltdown (it seems Satan himself couldn't
stomach the gall of these money-engorged maggots
and willing agreed to work in conjunction with
his nemesis). In one of the most colossal
constructions since the six days it took to make
the universe, the two, working under the
corporate title 'Raising Hell' created the
following new sectors, much on the order of a
really unpleasant theme park:
Instead of
having cars, auto CEOs will have to travel on
unicycles.
In return for
each bonus received executives must give up one
body organ.
They can take
all their money with them, but all there will be
able to buy is dried sow ears, pickled jelly fish
and habanero sauce.
Swimming pools
will be filled with boiling hot cooking oil.
Anyone
involved in the real estate collapse has to make
his living selling homes in Antarctica.
They can bring
all their earthly goods with them in hell, but
not the electricity or batteries to run them.
All cars will
have pull rope starters like lawn mowers, except
they must use their teeth.
Corporate jets
can only be flown 30 feet off the ground.
Servants can
be had, but will always address you as 'asshole'
instead of 'sir'.
Commuting to
work can only be by subway- under it, not in it.
Beautiful
women will be available but they will be lacking
sexual organs, which will make their monthly
cycles a permanent, day to day torment which they
will gladly share with everyone.
All residents
in this hell will be able to continue on with
their earthly careers, except that they will be
paid in Karothian Schontels, which can only be
used to buy goods that have to do with
hemorrhoids.
Muzak will be
played constantly throughout the place and will
consist of rap music played backwards at a higher,
chipmunk rate of speed.
Alcoholic
beverages will be available but must be drunken
through the nose via a straw.
Television
will run for two hours a day starting at 3 AM and
consist of Bulgarian stock market reports,
Peruvian soap operas and the same Seinfeld
episode over and over again.
All haircuts
will be done with Cuisinarts.
All toilets
will be located in walk in freezer units.
All legal
papers will have small print so tiny that no one
can read them. Decisions concerning their content
will be made by Satan according to his mood at
the time.
Contrary to
popular belief, religious groups WILL be able to
proselytize in Hell; they will just be more
obnoxious and adamant there than in normal life.
(This is true irony at its most profound.)
Massages will
only be given using numchucks.
Clown boots
with slick bottoms will be the only footwear
available.
Eyeglass
lenses will have a mandatory one inch thickness.
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