New Influx Of
Cheap Chinese Junk Causes Homeland Security To
Raise Danger Level To Orange
by Roger Freed
A huge influx
of cheap-good laden ships from Mainland China
caused Homeland Security to raise its insecurity
level to the orange level today. Normally, goods
coming in from China raise no terrorist alerts,
but due to the present economic crisis the agency
has become aware that the importing of cut-rate
merchandise from the former Communist land helps
to destroy the American manufacturing base. This
also takes jobs away from Americans, but since
they have government jobs they know they don't
need to care.
The latest
shipment, which consisted of 300,000 stuffed
puppy toys with overly big, sad eyes, 230,000
cheap G.I. Joe ripoffs, 30,000 fake bamboo book
shelves, 12,000 3 cylinder electric scooters, 43,000
plagiarized Woody Woodpecker Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey
Fun Kits with a picture of an elephant instead of
a donkey and a varied mix of strange smelling
plastic ware, quick to oxidize silverware and
cheap electronic items with indecipherable 'English'
instructions. The entire shipment, which cost U.S.
importers a total of $36.47 had a street value of
$25,000,000 once it got into our borders.
Homeland Security finally saw the light and
realized that economic terrorism was not just the
stuff of pulp fiction books any more.
When raising
the alert level to orange didn't produce any
reaction from the American public, Homeland
Security hit upon the idea of declaring that all
Chinese goods were radioactive. This worked,
succeeding in damming out the tidal wave of
sweatshop made materials that were eroding our
economy. It did little to stop the Asian
juggernaut, however, when the North Koreans heard
the goods were radioactive they bought up
everything to stockpile for use on their own
weapons of mass destruction (or as we refer to
them 'Weenieness of Mass Dumbness' since North
Korean missiles are still being guided by a
homing pigeon stuffed in their nose cones).
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