McDonaldland
by Justin Benedict
I have been
having trouble getting to sleep thinking of the
world of McDonaldland. Do you ever think that the
Hamburglar may have begun his crime spree because
of his apparent cleft palate, or whatever it is
that causes him to babble unintelligbly as he
runs about in that freaky Spy Vs. Spy knockoff
with the bumblebee shirt?
My vague
memory of the Hamburglar was that he was
unstoppable from stealing hamburgers because the
head cop in town was this freak-show with a Big
Mac for a head and a constable's outfit. The
constable got his job, apparently through a
relative, the burger-headed Mayor McCheese which,
though giving great credit for employment for the
obviously disabled, creates great questions about
gubernatorial corruption in McDonaldland.
Why wasn't
RONALD elected mayor of McDonaldland? Perhaps he
was like the, um, ruling feudal lord or something.
Or, maybe it's because he liked spending so much
time, um, with the kids. John Wayne Gacy, call
your office!
It was
distressing in McDonaldland that although
hamburgers were bought and sold (and stolen by
the Hamburglar) they were initially grown in
fields, and were actually alive little burgers,
that perhaps screamed "Don't pick me! Don't slaughter
me! I want to grow up to get a nepotism job in
government!"
The Grimace's
role in McDonaldland was also confusing, though I
imagine he was what the Elephant Man would have
been like on speed.
And what about
those little dancing mop head things?
I don't
understand the horror of children's television.
It was just too much for me. Little dancing mop
heads, screaming little fields of hamburgers, and
these were just the freakin' commercials.
McDonaldland
was debatably some sort of nuclear reactor
thingie gone bad, but what about wherever it was
that H.R. Pufinstuf lived? Do you remember the
horrible ordeal that the English kid that played
the Artful Dodger on "Oliver" went
through, dude?
He wound up on
the Island with a talking flute in his pocket...(Though
I can imagine the flute being helpful when
he was on a date "Grab her tit now, Jimmy")
Witchie-Poo
was always chasing Jimmy and the talking Flute
and then Jimmy was assisted by good old H.R., who
had a big yellow head that made one think of a
Six Million Dollar Lemon. Then of course, there
was Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, and the teenage
airheaded version of Jody Davis from "Family
Affair." Guess his living situation with
Uncle Bill and his jocker Mister French just wasn't
gory enough...remember, Buffy O.D'd and Cissie
ended up making horrible furniture commercials!
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