Max Tolerance
(The Automated
Phone System By And For Sales Personnel)
by Paul D.
Molyneux
Thank you for
calling Jeers & Holbrook Appliances. I am Max
Tolerance, the latest in automated operators.
Your call is important to us. You can talk to me.
Just interrupt at any time to direct your call or
you may press a corresponding button on your
touch-tone phone. If you do not have a touch-tone
phone, have a serious speech impediment, or a
weird accent, tough luck, bubby. Your call may be
monitored for training purposes and entertainment
at our next company party.
If you are
calling to make a purchase, press “1”
or say “Money.” Your call will
automatically be moved to the front of the line.
If you are
calling to ask a sales associate to recite a list
of the features of all our appliances, press
“2” or say “Tire kicker.” The
approximate wait time for this category is three
days.
If you are
calling to blame your life’s problems on
“the jerk salesperson,” press “3”
or say “Idiot.”
If you changed
your mind about color and want to blame your
salesperson and the entire delivery staff so you
don’t have to pay the difference in price
for the new color, press “4” or say
“Oopsie.”
If you are
calling about an appliance that was damaged on
delivery, press “5” or say “Damn.”
If you are
calling about a delivery that is later than the
promised window, press “6” or say
“Liar.” For faster response, hang up
and wait until your delivery is at least twenty
minutes late before calling back. This will give
the traffic lights a chance to turn green. Ninety
percent of our late trucks arrive in this time
span.
If you are
calling because of a billing error, press “7”
or say “Attorney General.”
If you are
calling to complain because your twelve-year-old
refrigerator died and your previous one lasted
twenty-eight years, press “8” or say
“Trash.”
If you are
calling because your new appliance is not working
properly and you have not read the owner’s
manual, press “9” or say “Duh.”
If you are
calling because the appliance you bought last
week is now on sale for $85.00 less than you paid,
press “0” or say “Rip-off.”
If you are
calling to praise our service or our products,
press the pound sign, or say “Miracle.”
Your call will automatically be rerouted to our
Public Relations Coordinator. He will arrange
written commendation and rebates.
If you are
calling to speak to a manager, good luck.
If you made it
this far into the menu and have calmed down
sufficiently to engage in intelligent interaction
and you realize that the wait has prevented you
from making an ass of yourself, press the star
button or say “I’ll be good.” You
will be immediately forwarded to a live person
who has the ability and the authority to solve
your problem and make you happy within ten
minutes.
If you are
still out of control, the next sound you hear
will be the dial tone.
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