Five Short Humor
Pieces
by Stephen J.
Davis
ASTROLOGY
My first
boyfriend was a Scorpio. But he was too devious.
I had to dump him. James, the Taurus, was so
stubborn he lasted only two weeks. The cute guy
at work was a Pisces. It was purely sexual,
though, he couldn’t offer me an astrological
connection.
My current
boyfriend is absolutely perfect. Our signs are
aligned with the heavens. He wants to have a
picnic today, says there’s something
important to tell me. I think he’ll propose.
“You were
going to tell me something?”
“Yes,
well, um . . . I want to break up. My astrologer
says I shouldn’t date Capricorns.”
GRANDKID
“Hey Mom,
guess what?” asks Kirk over the phone.
“What?”
“We just
found out the sex of our baby.”
“You did?
What are you gonna have?”
“Well,
what do you want us to have?”
“It
doesn’t matter, dear. I’m not favoring
one or the other. A girl or a boy. It doesn’t
really matter.”
Kirk suspected
otherwise. His Mom had single handedly raised
three rambunctious boys. She certainly seemed to
be leaning towards a little girl.
“So tell
me, please, tell me.”
“Well,
we’re gonna have a girl.”
“Really?
A baby girl? That’s great! I’ve already
bought her three dresses.”
LIES
A husband of
polished looks returns to his wife after work.
Following their kiss hello, a Freudian slip,
“Did you mail the mortgage, Betsy?”
“Betsy?
Who the hell is Betsy?”
“Oh,
sorry, honey. Betsy’s this girl at work that
got caught laundering money. My mind must’ve
been thinking about her arrest.”
Gina—her
real name—believed his lie and so discussed
the mortgage. She’d continue to hear
erroneous names—Katie, Jessica, Sandy—all
with less believable excuses. The truth became
obvious.
“I need
to tell you something, Tom.”
“Tom? Who
the hell is Tom?”
“Oh, him?
He’s my divorce lawyer.”
SENSELESS
I’m what
you’d call a moral thief. Instead of
stealing thousands from one person, I steal a
penny each from thousands of different people.
That’s fair, don’t you think? It’s
no worse than taking pennies off the sidewalk.
Kant and Mill—you moralists would be so
proud of me.
I simply hack
into someone’s account and transfer an
insignificant cent into my checking. The amount
is so miniscule, who would possibly notice or
care? It’s taken me a year to steal 10,000
cents, which puts me in at 100 bucks.
Hey, no one
ever said morality was a lucrative business.
TOILET
There are
several ways to pass one’s time on a
toilet—newspaper and magazine reading are
popular options. But our protagonist, Ted, has
made an unwise decision in this matter: He chose
to call his new girlfriend.
Their
conversation lasts ten happy minutes before
Sherry hears flushing.
“Did you
just flush the toilet?” she asks, outraged
at the thought.
“Yeah,
why?” replies an oblivious Ted.
“Number 1
or number 2?” she clarifies. Perhaps she
could forgive the former, but the latter?
“Number 2.”
And with that
answer I’ll spare you the plumbing
metaphor—you know where this relationship is
going.
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