Do Canadians
Really Exist?
by Roger Freed
Do Canadians
really exist? Is there really such a whimsical
folk who believe in such things as mounted police, plaid
shirts, and wood burning stoves? Or are they
simply a product of someone's over-inventive
fantasy?
As a child
growing up in Wisconsin I lived within 200 miles
of the alleged border between our two countries
and yet never once ran into one of these
purported bipeds. Many stories and legends exist
about these 'Kanucks', but I like to have hard
evidence like an actual hide from one. It is
as sketchy a legend as that of Bigfoot to which
no one has produced any fur of either.
When I was a
child I had been told there was a Santa Claus.
There had been enough evidence to support this;
there were presents under the tree on Christmas
morning. But eventually cracks in this facade
began to show. At the tender age of 27 I began to
suspect that there was something seriously wrong
with this Santa myth. There were no more presents
even though I put up a tree faithfuly every year.
The department store Santas got angry when I sat
on their laps. Eventually I understood that some
sort of mass hypnosis was at work here that so
many people would try to support such a
fictiousness, much like Big Brother in the book
1984.
But Santa was
not the only fabrication. There was also the
Easter bunny, Peter Pan, and the mad hatchet
man from down the street that my older brothers
told me would get me if I wasn't good (this
legend might be true because I did find some
suspicious looking bones behind our garage one
morning that I can only surmise belonged to some
other poor kid who hadn't been quite good enough).
Genuine
sightings of Canadians differ as to their
descriptions. Some report them to be extremely
grizzled from head to foot like an abominable
snowman, only twice as abominable. Ohers say they
are chunky and squat, much like Santa's elves or
Rosie O'Donnell. I tend to believe that if they
exist at all they are like wild, unclothed
cannibals running through the woods naked,
howling at the moon while shreds of their last
victim still hang form their mouths.
The question
we must ask ourselves concerning the Canadian
legend is "Is it a harmful illusion to
believe in?". The second question is "Is
there any way we can make some money off of this?"
Is the legend perhaps another attempt by
government to pull the wool over our eyes like
they did when they got us to believe that
Iraq had WMD's, or that Saudi Arabia is an ally
of ours or that Ronald Reagon was a great
president? Yet, perhaps we need our
delusions that such a place as Canada exists just
as children need teddy bears to cling to- it
is something familiar and friendly in a world
that can be cold and fearsome.
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