Cremation Diet
by Glenn
Parkhurst
There are more
diets plans than left turns in London, one is
longer and more difficult. The Cremation Diet is
not only easy, it will actually increase your
wealth and help save the environment.
Environmentally, it lowers carbon emissions by
providing the undertaker with a bio-fuel instead
of the natural gas or propane more commonly
employed. Financially, you will get a discount
from your mortician for saving him valuable fuel.
One percent off the price of cremation for every
one percent of excess weight you bring to the
table, er…slab. With the right diet, you
should have enough fat to become a self-sustaining
flame with just a blue tip match and a jogging
suit. Ideally, you should burn for no less than
forty hours and provide enough heat to warm fifty
homes in Braemer in January, fat you can sell to
OPEC – Organization of Phat Extracting
Conglomerates.
How can I get
in on this money maker you ask? Well, to get the
highest value, you need to eat those items which
provide the cleanest burning, highest quality fat;
high test in OPEC language.
We know our
forefathers used whale oil for fuel but the flame
burned dull and smoky and in no way helped the
global warming. Even worse, some fish fat is
actually good for you. Avoid fish and whale. We
want to look like one, not be one.
Krispy Kremes
are prime generators of high quality fat. When
Krispy Kreme fat burns, it is a long lasting,
sunglass wearing, blaze. One glazed doughnut can
add dollars to your fat reserves. Should you
chase that doughnut with a 99Cadbury Flake you
may just self ignite in strong sunlight. A bad
thing as you may burn up all your precious fuel
before you can sign your contract with OPEC.
We know why we
want it and how to get it, but how do we increase
its value once we have reached our maximum body
proportions? Exercise! That’s right. A
regimen of exercise will turn your normal
everyday fat into high test. Scientist have
proven that for every hour on the tread mill, the
octane level of fat increases by 0.1%. How is
this possible? Like the fable of the sun and wind
betting on who can remove the old man’s coat,
the harder you try to rid yourself of fat, the
harder it clings and in doing so, it purifies
itself. Consider this. Some of my fat has been so
refined, that it may continue to burn well into
the next century. The other effect of intense
exercise is that it may hasten your demise thus
allowing OPEC to harvest while your fat is fresh.
Why not
liposuction you ask? The cost of the process
exceeds the worth of your reserves. The best
value per pound comes when your cremation is free
and your fat can be filleted off in easy to stack
slabs.
Next week: How
to leverage your fat ass into retirement.
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