Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
byThomas Sullivan
Oh the gloom!
SUV’s rotting unused like beached whales,
home values plummetting, etc. English speakers,
once affluent, are learning that it’s tough
to live like the rest of the planet.
We hate it.
It’s downright un-Anglo.
It’s cost
cutting time, and we’ve liquidated
everything, or so we think. But most of us still
cling to one remaining asset: Our pride.
The savings
can be amazing when you learn to suspend your
pride. It really works. Here’s how:
COST
CUTTING FOR DUMMIES I: TRANSPORTATION:
AAA, the
emergency vehicle rescue company, foolishly
revealed a brilliant strategy for saving money on
gas. The company recently noticed that their
“stranded motorist” call rate jumped
significantly, with people claiming to have an
empty tank. Per contractual agreement, AAA showed
up and added gas to the stranded vehicle. Getting
wise, AAA started requiring motorists to start
their car before getting the free fuel, hence
thwarting the scam. Foiled motorists were shamed.
Solving this
quandary is simple: drive until the car is
actually is out of gas. This give’s you the
upper hand, placing the onus of mistrust on the
AAA technician when your car doesn’t start.
Then, drive until the car is out of gas and call
AAA again. Repeat as needed. This is the awesome
power of pridelessness.
CCFD
II: FOOD:
Lord knows we
need our coffee. But when prices rise and
you’re forced to choose between coffee and
diabetes medicine, you know the inevitable result.
The blood sugar’s gonna surge.
Here’s
what you do. Last week I visited Jiffy Lube,
telling myself that I was going to spend no more
than $19.95 on an oil change. I ended up dropping
$230 on stuff I didn’t understand. But no
matter. Sitting in the lobby watching Oprah, I
watched a tattooed guy walk into the room and
fill a cup with coffee. He slurped it down while
gazing at the TV and refilled two more times,
knocking back the java like a man doing shots in
a dive bar. Then he threw the cup in the trash,
glanced at me with a crooked smile, and said
“Have a great day” as he left. I
grinned back, acknowledging a true cost cutting
master.
CCFD
III: CLOTHING:
Recently I
worked in a low-rent motel. One day I visited the
mall to buy some socks. Traipsing around a store,
I spied a man in the shoe department peeling off
a pair of dirty, battered socks. A light bulb
went off in my mind and I asked to try on a pair
of Chuck Taylors. While the salesman retreated to
the storeroom I put on a pair of almost new,
beefy tube socks and dropped my razor-thin pair
into the try-on box. I passed on the shoes (wrong
color) and left with a pair of sweet socks, my
wardrobe complete.
I’ve had
a recurring foot fungus problem ever since, but
it’s a small price to pay for being ahead of
the curve in our new, cost-conscious world.
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