Amos Goes
Grocery Shopping
by Michael
Frissore
“Clean up
in aisle nine,” the voice on the loudspeaker
proclaimed. Amos, an every day regular at the
supermarket, appeared to be a little drunk, much
to the chagrin of almost all of the shoppers. He
had knocked over dozens of cans of mushroom gravy,
declaring it the “Boston Mushroom Gravy
Party,” and protesting the market’s
“communist gravy tax.” Amos spoke
loudly of the “Mushroom Manifesto,” as
he read from what everybody could see was
actually the book The Pokey Little Puppy.
He was
particularly irksome to the elderly patrons, as
he asked several of them, “When you die will
you be buried in mushroom gravy? No, because your
family can’t afford the taxes!” He
spoke with The Pokey Little Puppy in one hand and
a Wiffle Ball bat in the other, using it both as
a microphone and to whack women he took a liking
to on the behind. He wandered about, wearing a
disgustingly filthy gray trench coat, an equally
filthy beret, and no shoes or socks. It had
somehow become Tim’s job to put a stop to
this. He tried, but only received a Wiffle bat to
the face and testicles for his effort.
Amos pleaded
with everyone to join him in his crusade as he
journeyed to the fruit and vegetable section.
Seeing that no one was climbing on board, he
proceeded to throw tomatoes into the air and
swing at them with the Wiffle Ball bat, telling
anyone who would listen that Tony Conigliaro and
Dwight Evans didn’t die for this cause to
have everyone ignore their plight, a bizarre
statement, especially considering that Evans, in
fact, was still alive.
Store managers
and assistant managers were now approaching Amos
to ask him to leave. He made a quick run for it,
then stopped to smash some watermelons with his
bat, a la Gallagher. As they came closer to him,
Amos ran again, this time grabbing some
pineapples and stuffing them into the dirt of a
nearby plant in order to grow the “Pineapple
Tree of Peace.”
The police
finally arrived to escort Amos out of the store.
Before they placed the handcuffs on him he
quickly produced a red Magic Marker from his
trench coat and drew a swastika on his forehead.
Unfortunately, one of the officers thought it was
a gun and shot Amos dead right there in the
supermarket. Much to the surprise of the officer,
shoppers rejoiced at the fallen pest that was
Amos.
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